I experienced lack of bonding also and I am curious how to move beyond it? If it is contributing at all to my lack of progress in healing, how do I truly forgive and move forward? I can't change the past. My mother is not alive to discuss this issue with. I am definitely concerned there is no hope for moving past this. Intellectually I am not angry or bitter. It is what it is. But I'm sure it affected me on a deep level and is one reason why I am so conflicted about having kids of my own. I'd love to hear how others have overcome this bonding issue too. 

Sam, even if your mother was alive, there would be no guarantee that your experience would be different. I approached my mother several times asking why she treated me the way she did. She denies any wrong doing and refuses to accept responsibility. I imagined that I would immediately feel better if she said she was sorry. I would forgive her on the spot. But... looks like I am the only one who owns the issue. It is up to me to release and move passed it.
Currently, I stay away from my mother because she still behaves the same. She expects to be treated with absolute respect and continuous submission.
Recently, a woman in our family gave birth to a disabled child. My mother immediately claimed that it is for woman's sins (because she is not 'nice' with her mother??) that she will have to raise a disabled child. How can someone claim that they know the woman's destiny? I truly prefer not to deal with that type of negativety and judgmental exposure...
As to IC, I 'would not have health problems if I treated my mother better'. She never asks how I feel. Because I look all right, she does not understand how I really feel. Even in moments of elevated pain, I don't pick up the phone and call her because she will say something insulting.
Occasionally, I touch the issue of my own parenting in counseling. I want to learn all I can about being a better parent. I want my girls have different experience. I switched to seeing an energy counselor. I cannot tell for sure how it goes yet, but the experience seems to be more productive comparing to former counselor's visits.
Also, yoga also brings moments of clarity and calmness, puts things in perspective.

I would like to recommend a book that might help with what you all are talking about. The book is The Presence Process. You can read it like a novel and not get much from it or you can do all the sessions and really see some amazing shifts in your life. I highly recommend it as it has changed my life much like Matia has. :)

Sam- I know you said you also go to Al- Anon. I started first with ACA- Adult Children of Alcoholics (and disfunctional familes) and I still go to at least 2 meetings a week. I did have a loving family, thankfully but I still have issues related to lack of trust etc due to the addiction in my family. Many of the people in the meetings have had bonding issues. The main focus of the program is "Self Parenting" I really feel that this has helped me in so many ways. Also- for me the spiritual aspect of the 12 step process is the key. I have to believe that my Higher Power is helping me to release whatever old issues are there. I sometimes worry that I have some deep seated trauma or control issues that I just can't deal with but I have believe that I am the path to total wellness and I don't travel that road alone.
 
To everyone- I am continually amazed at your level of self awareness and I truly wish you the best. xoxoxo

I believe that the bonding issue with my Mom was the first contributing factor to my imbalance. Then everything else just piled on top of that. Like, high carb and sugar diet, birth control pill, antibiotics, and diet coke. But I felt imbalanced even as a kid. I always had very low energy, was depressed alot, and would crave affection. I had bladder issues before I started birth control, antibiotics, or diet soda. I think that  just made my body out of balance even more by adding those in. 
 
For me I decided the best thing for me and my Mom was to only have a relationship through phone calls. If I go to her house, or if she comes to mine. Something always happens that really makes me dislike her. I know she has some sort of undiagnosed mental problem. My siblings assume it is bi-polar, with paranoia. I love her, but I have so many bad memories of her. And she is not going to change who she is , and I can't change her. She is who she is. What I try to do is remember the good things she did, and not the bad. Even now, there is a lot she is doing that I disagree with. But I know if I try to confront her, it just makes her angry. Then we don't get along. So for me, I just let her be who she is. She is crazy, but once in a while I will give her a call, and she will tell me all her crazy stories and I just listen. That's how I am dealing. I could go on and on about all the crazy things she has done, but I choose not to go there. Sometimes you just have to forgive and forget. And let them be their crazy self.
 

Hi Ladies. This issue is something I have been dealing with all of my life. Blondy, your mom sounds alot like mine. I too have tried for years to have conversations with my mom about why she treated me the way she did, to no avail as she is completely unable to look at herself or acknowledge mistakes. I believe she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder so may not have the capacity for self reflection. I have addressed this issue in therapy but did not really get any resolve from that either. My mom began showing signs of dementia a few years ago & has deteriorated since that time. I have been taking care of her for the last 3 yrs & it has helped me to develop some compassion for her & to accept that she was very "damaged" & did the best she was able to. That acceptance has helped me let go of the huge resentment I have always carried for her. Sorry I can't offer any solutions for healing but wanted to share my experience. Hope everyone is having a good day.

Calieve,
In describing your mother, you could have been speaking about mine. My whole life I had to balance my love of my mother with the anger and shame I feel towards her.  She had some diagnosed and undiagnosed mental health issues that were not debilitating enough to make her dysfunctional in society, but serious enough to mess up her two daughters.  My father described her once as a walking time bomb, except you never knew when she' go off. She was often very irrational, angry and sometimes violent with my sister and I. One of the hardest things to take was how much she loved us and how badly she'd feel after the outburst. I'd often be consoling her afterwards, while swallowing my own anger and sadness.
 
I feel as a child my response to her behaviour was to try harder to be good, to be worthy of her kindness. Growing up in that house, left me with profound self confidence issues, lots of self-directed anger, the need to be a "people pleaser" and feel worthless unless people like me. 
 
As an adult I feel I've made big strides in coming to terms with who she is and my feelings towards her.  She loves my sister and I and wants to do the right thing, it just comes out twisted sometimes.  Cognitive behavioural therapy helped put things in perspective and set the stage to change my own negative patterns. Getting space from her and building boundaries has also helped at lot. Now we have a pretty good relationship.  We speak several times a week and, when I see her, I take care that it's a limited-time visit on my terms.  I'm definltely still angry with her, but I'm trying to have patience because I know that healting emotionally is  an ongoing process.
 
It is really amazing that so many of us are dealing with the same issues.  I wish you all the best on coming to terms with your own childhood.
Lauren

Lisa Ann, thank you for the list of books. I will read them.