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Hi Everyone,
I wish a happy new year to everyone on this blog, and hope new year bring more awareness, health, love, peace.
I am struggling with restless mind for a while, but it got worse this last month. I am on 10th mont of the treatment with Matia and havent had this much questioning , thinking before. I am constantly thinking about if people are judging me, they are thinking bad/positive about me, they are talking about me, or underestimating me. I used to be very active, sportif before but since 2 years, because of pain and lack of motivation, i cant do as much as i used to which alreadys upsets me, but I feel like people judge my being passive or my staying home and I cant say," forget about what others think, just do what makes you happy". I still do what I believe is correct as my body needs some rest but I can stop thinking what others think. This has been in my mind constantly, as if I am trying to make explanations to others-may be they dont really care or think about it at all, but I feel like they do. I dont know how to stop this.
Also, People being very careless, not paying attention, esp situations about health make me so angry lately and I cant tolerate it as I became very sensitive people around me.If I get angry someone, I cant keep it in me anymore, I just tell them. This was an issue for me in the past, I was not able to make myself clear to others but now I am happy that I have more clear communication. However, this time I cant tolerate even the small things which make me seem picky, or obsessed. I am not sure if I am becoming stronger or not.
Since my mind is so restless, I go to sleep but this time I dream almost every night and when I wake up I am not better than before. and it is like I really live in my dreams, everything feels so real and stong. I am in a dreamland and it is tiring most of the time.
I believe this is the part of the process but sometimes I lose trust to myself and dont know what to do. I do EFT which helps me sometimes, but wonder if anyone went through this?
selda
Hi Selda,
lately it's been my mental state, more than the state of my bladder and gut, that has tortured me. Please talk to the doctor about it and let her know that it's a really big problem for you. Even though I'm still having a really hard time, she did give me something that helped a bit, and told me that she could increase it if need be. I should probably follow my own advice and let her know that things are kind of bad.
As for being angry - I went through that one. I was just plain ticked off most of the time - it did calm down - it's been replaced by fear and anxiety - I kind of think that I liked the angry one better :) I do know racing mind and knowing that my fears aren't real, but then, what if they are?
Here's some more advice that I'v neglected to follow - exersise - it does work - if you're able. A few weeks ago I went for two walks and a trip to the gym in one day - it's the only thing that kept me together until the new herbs kicked in. Also, go to the search section and search Kelly Howell - you'll find a link to order some incredible music that truly helps your brain waves calm down - you can directly download to an I-pod.
All of these thiings I know, but I haven't been doing for myself. So, I'm going to really try to do better - hope this helps.
Hugs - Denise
http://www.brainsync.com/
Hi Selda - me again - I found the link that I was talking about - it's Kelly Howells music - but this is the link - you can listen to some of it for free to get an idea
Selda
I am sorry you are struggling. It IS so hard to not care what other people think, when you have this disease. For some of us, I think it is even harder. We want people to understand, to know we are NOT making this all up. Most of us look fine on the outside.
I too have struggled with lots of anger, depression, sadness, and panicky feelings. Also feelings of worthlessness, and that I am a failure, in part because I have this disease. I have believed this lie for so long, it has become truth to me, and I have just recently started counseling. I can not say how much I believe this is helping me.
Through this counselor, I am seeing WHY I struggle in these areas. It is not easy work, or painless to face the past and present. But it helps me to know once a week, I have someone who will listen to me, and helps me to grow, and have more peace in my life, with MYSELF. She also does EFT, which has really helped me at times.
I have to stress, it can be hard to find a counselor that you "connect" with. I had to try several before I found the one I am seeing, and I am so glad I did find her! You can not give up if you decide to go to one.
I know that a lot of people roll their eyes to the thought of going to a counselor, but we were not meant to go through life without support from others, and sometimes deep counsel on our lives.
I have realized being so angry, and depressed, I will not ever be able to get better fully from IC, if I do not get help with these. I know in my case, these emotions in my body, have only made my IC worse, and put my body at a lower state of health, if not caused it.
Sorry to go on, I wish you rest in your mind and peace.
Denise and Mary
Thanks so much. I will check the webpage for mediation audios.
Denise: I do know racing mind and knowing that my fears aren't real, but then, what if they are?
I, very often think, what if they are real?as well. Well, may be they are but then how am I going to face them? I guess, trusting our intution would be one way, and/or mediation, eft, having support from friends or a professionals. Like, Mary said, I do believe talking to someone helps a lot instead of keeping all these garbage in my mind (I say garbage since mine is all judgements, shame, fear, etc) but to me that someone I want to share is very important. Couple of times, I had talked to people I know- not the best friends but good enough- but I did not believe they understood what I was going through, beyond that I could sense that they thought that was all my imagination. It even makes me worse, and feel all alone. I remember Matia saying sth about "be careful when talking to people, people we wanna talk shall hold our feelings as if its precious piece of crystal ", sth like that. so..talking to that someone who could relate my pain makes me feel stronger since I do trust my own self after receiving encouraging words. Otherwise I feel like I am lost. and when I have all these weird symptoms, my confidence gets less. and i question more and more.
The other thing bothering me is that: whatever bothers me today feels ok stomorrow, so this constant change and mood swings. I can't recognize myself anymore. Sometimes, I feel like I live with an old friend , sometimes with a total stranger. People I used to judge( yes, I used to judge , that might be one reason why I am thinking I might be judged..all coming to surface in a more cruial way) seem right now. I change constantly, but its not a regular change, i cant keep track of it. Oh my..I am so grateful that I am becoming more aware, but its like swimming in a dirty water right now.
Peace
Selda
I wish you peace too - something that's incredibly hard to find sometimes. Are you on something for your mental state? My upped doseage helped immensely and then my body decided to spew out tons of orange colored mucous, that even had some blood in it. (I know very graphic) My mom died of colon cancer - I'm now freaking out. I keep thinking of those little dark pellets that I keep pooping and wondering if that meant that they were full of blood! Yipes, I've become a crazy person that is giving graphics that you probably don't want.
So, I understand the mind being royally messed up. I'm here treading the dirty water with you.
It is really hard when you no longer know yourself-it's also really hard that the symptoms bounce so much. I'm no longer relieved one one has ended - it has a horrible way of popping back again. (Or pooping out again :) - BAD JOKE!
Peace back & HUGS - Denise
Denise
I am on probiotics, Rhodiola, Siberian Ginseng. Rhodiola helps me relax but since I started to use Juice Plus I kind of started restless mind as well. I really dont know if there is connection. beside due to holidays I had a break and spent time at home a lot--which might make me have faster detox as I did not have to worry about work, stress, others around me and also lately i reduced carbs..It was quite comfortable but later on lots of questining.
I am sorry to hear of your mother. Though, it might be better not to think negative--even though it is easyo for me to tell you to do so. It is always good(even though it is really hard sometimes) to take lessons from experiences we have or we see around us. I dont know, this has been a big issue for me. Also, whatever you pooping is dirty, either food or thoughts or anything, something you shall not keep in your body, I guess? So always good to let it go. Interestingly, constipation happens to me when I am stuck in my life. My brain is constipated sometimes, lol. I feel like all the bloating is like bubles of toxic thoughts of my mind, thought i buried over the years and they are coming from deep deep tissues.
I feel beginner on this blog,I read so others' comments and ideas and I could say this whole treatment is like a blessing. I myself became more aware of everything around me and saw another world inside of me.I always thought I was an emotional person. I was totally mistaken, now I know what it means to be emotional, hell yeah. Thanks to Matia and herbs. It is suffering most of the time, not to know what is going on(though I feel like I started to know myself better and understan better what is going on but still new) but in the meantime I take this as a game.
I started to have a good connection with myself---kind of starting to love myself,sth I wasnt very good at, still so so but getting better. So this process makes me feel like this is a game indeed, a good one, and I want to have as much fun as I can-- even while struggling with the obstacles. like climbing on a mountain. it is tiring, and I do very often complain, but at the end when i make the summit I say "ohh, it was worth of coming here " . so I have the best moments when I make the summit. Sometimes, it is so scary (like 3 days ago I couldnt believe i was so angry and anxious but now it all seems ok) and unbearable but then talking to someone really pulls me out of darkness. Also, diet became kind of interesting issue for me. I dont know how others felt in the beginning. Before Matia, I was working with some other doctors, and my diet included only cabbage and chicken, or quinoa/brown rice and chicken..It was so restricted and I couldnt take it anymore, not only because of taste (I started to love quinoa so much:))) but also being so limited made me trapped. I never felt free, always feeling so stuck.. Having so limited diet requires willpower but being so limited makes one very weak and angry as well. So after Matia, the variety got better but still relatively limited. Sometimes I cheated , though I do my best. However after a while I noticed, I started to think more about this connection with myself, when I ate sugar or drank alcohol--it became so easy to lose it. Now I believe sugar, alcohol, additives.etc is unhealthy in any terms, physically, mentally, spiritually. and spiritual connection became the most important currently. This idea help me do well on diet lately.I dont know if I will keep it or not, but it is how it is currently.
Thanks for the link btw, I downloaded couple of mp3 on the webpage (Kelly Howel) esp on healing, brain power and concentration--since I need it so much during my studies. Hopefully it will help with focus.
I hope you find a way to feel better and to take care of yourself. and poop at least once a day. I sometimes think if it would be possible to use an injection to suck all the bad thoughts&emotions from our bodies, would it help heal faster--well if it would make any good.
Peace
me
Me (Selda)
I'm happy that you sound so much better-A lot of what you said mirrors my own throughts - if I don't get scared by all the weird symptoms, it is rather facinating. Even though you're a beginner at this blog - it's so nice to see such active participation. There were a few people that I tracked when I was trying to decide if I should take this leap of faith and start working with Dr. B - I was looking forward to "chatting" with them, and now - POOF - they're gone and it's been awfully quiet. I joined about the time it appears that the monthly support system disapeared - I'm thinking that may have something to do with it? Anyway - Peace back - Denise
Denise
Feel free to email me if u have any Qs about my progress.