Thanks everyone for the encouragement. When I get really anxious about the knees, I wake up at 4 am. When I wake up at 4 am, I have my iPhone next to the bed (I am giving myself a temporary pass on EMR) and I listen to Tara Brach or Ajahn Brahm. Last night, I never did go back to sleep. I was too busy thinking about my 4 year old self and the violence that happened to me later in childhood that stole away my super happy kid. I feel that everything that happened after that stemmed from that loss and set me up for IC and I have been grieving that I had to do so many unhealthy things to survive- initially bulimia but later, a lot of Western drugs to survive working motherhood. ( a separate rant.).

last night, I visualized taking that happy girl over a bridge to safety so that she and I can complement eachother to do the work that is needed to get my legs back to work and to make my life have proper integrity.

i like the idea that we have combined forces and can help eachother do this. 

To make this more concrete, I got out some of my pictures of me at 4 and looked at them a lot and really, I am thrilled. I was a happy kid, I was not anxious. I have that person inside of me and Ijust need to keep bringing her forward.

I hope that my knees are taking all of this in.

in the meantime,the vent and the hope. Vent: I had to present at a conference today and I had to walk about 6 blocks en todo ( from car handciap parking itoinside hotel and some back and forthing inside hotel- nott very much and my knees are swollen up. Argh. Also, people who are able bodied just don't get it. 

Hope, I misunderstood Dr B's instructions and took 2 bif today with my dose and  was fine.

big hope- trying Craniosacral therapy with Dr. B's permission.  I hope it will help. I NEED TO MOVE ON.

thank u all for your support. Angela Harrison told us that there was no website in her day and she did this all alone for 4 years. 4 YEARS! How  could we do this without eachother?