Hi All:

Last night when I lay down to mediatate I realized that I am grieving about my place in this program. As many of you know, my knees crapped out in September, leading to many problems with anxiety down the line. I got so much better here in a short time- 10 month- my bladder was nearly healed! But by MArch- severe anxiety got the better of me- I stopped sleepiing for days at a time and nearly went bonkers. Ended up on the worst of the worst- benzos- (plus an anitdepressant) but they probably saved my life since I was in such an agitated depressed stateand had almost crashed my car three times dow to falling asleep behind the wheel as a result of sleep deprivation.

So here I sit. Dr. B tires to balance me out the best that she can and my surgeon moves slowly. On Monday, I begged him to schedule my knee surgery but he insisted on a steroid shot in both knees first. Some improvement in inflammation, no major bladder symptoms but not exactly back to being able to walk any significant distance. They told me to give it a week.

Anyway, the benzos cause huge gut problems for me, make me crave sugar and are generally bad news but I have to move slowly and get back on my feet. Just wanted to say to those of you that are suffering, I feel your pain and also to say I am so sad- I miss my med free days so much. And I miss feeling connected to you guys, too. I will keep you posted. Love, Bonnie