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Hello everyone. It's been a while since I've posted, while I do read your posts every day--and am VERY grateful so many people are feeling and experiencing the same things I am. I'm a new patient who's been with Dr. Brizman for about two and a half months now. One of the aspects of treatment I'm still having a hard time with (oh which to pick from!) is being unable to behave as my peers would in social situations. Don't get me wrong, I was never more than a social drinker, having the occassional glass of wine or beer. The difference is that now that I can't, I'm missing it more than ever. You don't realize how key drinking is to social situations until you no longer can. Now drinks out with my new colleagues after work has become awkward and embarrasing as they wonder whether pregnancy or Mormonism is to blame for my sparkling water...
Complicating matters is that I'm about to get married in two months. My bachelorette party was this past weekend, and as much as I try to make my friends comfortable drinking around me, the energy was really subdued at the party, with few people drinking. I'm really nervous that energy will carry through to our wedding, with many of our guests taking their cues from my behaviour in terms of drinking. I WANT my friends to drink. I WANT them to have a good time, but maybe my wistfulness at not being able to myself shows on some level. Even my fiance: I WANT him to have a good time and get buzzed, but then, on some level, I resent him for leaving me behind.
How have you guys handled these social situations to make them a little less awkward? Healing is the most important thing, but I do mourn the fact that for the rest of my life I'll very rarely enjoy a glass of wine with friends again. I hate how food and drink has now taken on a sinister connotation in my world that it never did before. Once upon a time a glass of wine with dinner was a nice way to relax after a long day. Now it's POISON.
I'm sorry for the diatribe. I just never imagined myself on my wedding day as anything less than healthy and enjoying myself. Getting sick certainly threw a wrench in my plans. I'm trying to think positive and hope for the best, but some days it's easier than others. Thanks very for your advice and support.
Lauren
Drinking
Hi Lauren,
It's so nice to "hear" from you again. Not to try to lesson your frustration, but I hope that you're feeling better.
I'm going to talk a bit about me, which is why I'm about to mention some things. I've noticed for myself, in the last long year and a half, not to trust my perception of things. I know, that is SO different than what' I've always prided myself in. HOWEVER, this treatment has made me overly sensitive to everything. There are times when I'm SO in love with my mate. Then, a day later, I want to slap him over the head and leave because I just don't like the way he looks. I've blasted friends for not including me in things when all they were trying to do was live their own lives without making me the center of it.
I have to wonder if your friends are really as affected by your not drinking as you think they are. Is there any chance that you're projecting what you feel onto them? (trust me - I am the Queen of that one) That you are so disappointed that this is not the situation that you want, that they must be feeling the same way?
Good point...
Hey Denise,
You make a good point in terms of being overly sensitive. I know exactly how that feels, down the emotional roller coaster you describe. Maybe I am projecting onto them the discomfort and pity and that I myself fee. What I really need to achieve is a sense of comfort and confidence in my situation where I don't feel awkward and apologetic socially. Once I'm truly comfortable, I'm sure it will others be so. I certainly not there yet.
Hi Willow, I know how you
Hi Willow,
I know how you feel. My Husband, and his family and friends are drinkers, and they like to party. It was hard to explain to people why I can't drink because they wanted to know details. And it's uncomfortable to talk about. I have taken a break from going out, in order to avoid these situations. Especially because this treatment is an emotional one, and it is hard to have people question you, when you are going through it. I have tried to limit these type of events. I told my Husband that I need at least one year to give myself some time for this treatment to heal my body. But we still ocassionally go out with others. Just a couple weeks ago we went out with another couple. I just told them that I can't drink, because my body is too sensitive, and I get sick. They know I have had bladder problems, so they are used to it, and understand. But some people don't get it. You can tell them that you just don't drink, and if they try to ask why, just say you don't. I'm laughing as I type this because I know it's hard to tell people that. I always let my Husband explain it, that way I don't have to get all emotional about it. But I think the longer those people know you the more accepting of it, they will be. I have a friend whose Dad does not drink, and he always likes to tell people right away when he meets them. That way he doesn't feel awkward when there is alcohol present. Because then they already know, that he doesn't drink. People should respect that. If they don't then well, they will just have to get used to it.
Also for your wedding, you are going to be so happy and have so much fun, that you will not even need alcohol to have a good time. I got married a year and a half ago. I wasn't in treatment yet so I was drinking at that time. But, I didn't even have time to drink until like 10:00 p.m. You will be so busy! When it's your wedding. It's nonstop from the moment you wake up that morning. The time will fly by like crazy. Seriously there is so many people there, that want to talk to you, and congratulate you. You will barely have time to drink water, or eat!!! I had to force myself to sit down and eat. I felt rude because everyone wants to hang out and talk but I needed to eat, lol. My friend didn't even eat on her wedding day. So if I were you I wouldn't worry about the Wedding, and not being able to drink. People are going to be wanting to get drunk themselves, so they won't even notice what you are drinking.
Hello Lauren! Good to hear
Hello Lauren! Good to hear from you! I agree with what everyone else has to say. It is best to just and try and go with the flow. Try not to put too much emphasis on what you can't do. Many of my friends are still in to going out drinking and dancing. Early on in treatment, I tended to isolate myself because of what I couldn't eat or drink, which did not make me feel any better about my situation. Now when friends go out I tag along and have found many don't even notice that I have my water bottle in tow. If they do they don't make a big deal about it. I am much like tinkerbell and love to dance, so have no trouble making a fool of myself on the dance floor, acting just as tipsy as the next person!:) In regards to your upcoming wedding, first of all congrats, but I agree with Calieve, you will not even miss drinking, you will be visiting with guests and dancing with friends! I only had a few sips of champaign the whole night, and I think many people thought I was drunk, as I mentioned, I am not afraid to make a fool of myself on the dance floor! It is your day, and no matter what happens it will be one of the most joyous occasions in your life!:) best wishes! In time you will know what feels right to you!
Water bottle toters unite!
Hey guys,
Thanks for your words. I can't tell you how it makes me smile to hear about all of you toting your water bottles and snacks around, just like me. It really makes me feel so much less alone and, instead, part of a community.
My close friends are getting used to my diet and lack of drinking. I agree that the more normal I can treat all of this, the easier it will be for everyibe else to swallow (pardon the pun). I also know this is all probably a much bigger deal for me than it is for anyone else. In terms of my wedding, I'm going to have a great day (and be a big fool on the dance floor) regardless of whether or not I drink. Thanks for helping to remind me of that.
Lauren
Awkwardness
Lauren - You have to do what is best for yourself without regard for other people who do not understand your situation. It takes a lot of self esteem to be "different" and to stand up for yourself. Don't be so concerned about what others think of you. You are traveling a different path than they are. Your true friends will still remain so, and the people who cast you off were not really friends in the first place. Maybe you should cultivate a different circle of friends and avoid some of the situations that seem to make you uncomfortable. It is really nobody's business what you are drinking when you are out socially. I guess it really comes down to what is more important to you, that glass of wine or your health. You are the same person inside, and people should like you for who you are instead of who they think you should be or how they think you should behave. Having a disease like IC really makes you take a look at yourself and your priorities in life.
I don't know if this works
I don't know if this works for everyone, but humor definently lightens up any situation. I have been in the drinking situation, and I usually just make a joke about how I don't want the yeast to reawaken, its kind of a running joke. At work if I do something odd or mess up I just blame it on the yeast (in my bladder). Everyone at work asks how the yeast is, it's kind of funny actually. I think people around you will feel the vibes you give off, and act accordingly. If you act like it doesn't bother you, they usually will lighten up and act like it is no big deal either. If you act upset or awkward, they will feel and act the same way.
pretend!
Hi Lauren
i really feel for you. I am getting married too in May , but we are going to Venice/ Italy for a romantic "just us "occassion . I thought that would be easier but when the organiser sent through the menu's for the romantic dinner after ceremony i wanted to weep...such a beautiful romantic restaurant & i can;t eat anything on the menu or have a glass of wine...so so tough...i am seriously considering leaving it for another year..parties/ eating out etc always makes me realise how different my life is now, and a wedding is that emotion intensified...
I,ve cracked the drinking with work colleagues though, as i get so bored by the comments, and people really do get self-concious aroud tee-totallers as if you are judging them, i have a system that seems to work.. i accept the first drink, vodka & soda, take it to the ladies and pour away & fill with water... then i offer to get the next round, buy myself a water,(no-one notices) and by the third round no-one even notices whether you have another they are too tipsy!
i havnt cracked the eating out one though , still very difficult to justify my mad diet requests in front of others and as time goes by it seems harder as people comment why are you still on this, are you not better...?
I hang onto the fact i am , massively better , but they dont know how far i,ve come and its not for me to explain, so i just eat out with close friends & family now.
I hope you have a wonderful day, and maybe pretend you are having a few drinks, and get your fiance to back you up on that..?
louise.