I'm sorry you're feeling so low. Will you be able to make the conference call tonight? I know it's late for you. We stay on the line after and talk. It would great to speak with you. Tammy

Sweet Ria, I am so sorry for your pain.  I cant tell you many times i have sat in guilt and how low it feels not be to be able to provide my husband with the sex he needs.  We got married when I had IC already, and he was a virgin; we waited until marriage and now he is stuck with me...I have NO desire either.  The last few times I forced myself it hurt so bad I have not tried again in over a month now.  I find in the morning I feel best, so I try to please him in the morning a few times a week, in ways that do not involve the act of actual sex.  But the guilt is overwhelming.  Just a few days ago, I was letting IC get the best of me and I was praying God would take me home now.  I was reflecting on all the suffering in my life since I was born and I did not see the point of life anymore.  I am a very spiritual person, and that has brought me out of some tough things in life, but this IC is overwhelming to no ends.    I told my husband he would be better off if I was gone because he could find a women who could please him, and the kids could have a mom that was not peeing all day and in terrible main most nights.  I was even researching suicide.  Of course, he told me I was acting out of control and we sought prayer and counseling from our pastor.  I am doing much better emotionally today, but it comes in waves.  This disease can get the best of all of us, our bodies, our minds, our relationships..and truly NO one gets us unless you have suffered yourself with IC.  I am so grateful we have this site to vent and get understanding.  I am not sure how long you have been in treatment, I have been in 4 months and everything is worse than ever.  I am hoping and praying that is because I am healing.  I really hope you are on the call tonight, it seems many of us are having a very hard time right now.  I would love to talk with you all when its over.I am so sorry you have to deal with this disease, I would not wish it on my worst enemy.  We will get better.  We will. I have to keep that hope.

Hi Ria,
I can really sympathize with you and other women on these issue. My husband and I married in June of 08 -- we had waited until marriage even though we dated for 8 years prior! I'm glad we waited in many ways, but IC hit me just a month after we got married, so I have yet to really establish a normal sexual relationship with him.
I too feel like I'm just not interested and its so difficult. I love him, more than I can say, and I am very lucky because he is incredibly supportive of my treatment, but that doesn't make some of the sexual tensions and issues any easier.
At the end of my rope in January I forced myself to try having sex with him and it actually didn't hurt. I was astonished and very happy, but it didn't last. 1 week later for whatever reason, I had completely gone backwards and my symptoms became almost as bad as before treatment. Rotten rotten luck.
I took this change very hard, because I had jsut begun to build up som hope that things might turn around. It was almost worse to have a little window of normalcy and lose it again so quickly.
It is interesting to hear that a few of us just "aren't into it" I feel a  lot of shame for my lack of desire. Perhaps Matia will have something to say on this issue if we bring it up tonight. I really wish I understood why I feel so off. It's as if someone turns off a switch that controls my emotions. Its so weird.
Anyway, I too plan to be on the support call tonight and I'd love to talk with you. I don't know how much help I'll be, but at least we're all in it together.

Hi RiaFirst off, I want to say that you NEED to push through this, no matter how miserable it may be. Matia once told me you go through "crisis" points, and this very well could be your big one. Let me tell you, you are not alone.I started treatment last April and it's true, symptoms do get worse at first. I felt so awful both physically and mentally. My IC came out of a nowhere the december prior, right before I was about to leave for a volunteer trip to India; I was visiting my family at the time.I am only 23 and it devastated me. All of a sudden I was peeing nonstop, I literally would have just stayed on the toilet all day if I could have and even considered wearing a diaper. I probably went around 60 times a day. I didn't sleep for weeks and went crazy. I finally started drugging myself to sleep, the pills never eased the pain but would at least make me dose off for a little while. I did not want to live, it felt like my body had taken me hostage and I was being forced through some kind of torture, while my mind just wished for my "old" life. During this time I did lots of research and found Matia. No one was behind me on my decision, in fact, my family didn't care one bit about me and my illness, so I moved to be with my boyfriend in Utah. He got me to Matia and helped me through last year. Let me just say those first months, actually until about september or so, I was a mess. THere were many points, particularly 3 or so months in, that I didn't want to be alive. I would scream and cry and break down a total mess, my boyfriend must've thought I was totally insane... I felt it! I was trying to hold down a job that required 12 hour days doing fieldwork outside and i'd have to just squat in the bushes every 15 minutes... it was hell. BUT I truly think this is the cleanse! I am telling you do whatever it takes to convince yourself that this is NOT you, it is all the crap coming out of you. You WILL feel normal again. IC is a challenge like no other, but you can get through it, everyone here can. I lost my father, the most important person to the world to me, at 17 and went downhill from there. I think all the stress, lots of family issues and pain, stress, turn our weaknesses into illness. You obviously have experienced great loss and stress, but you can make it, you can build yourself back up. Losing a partner because of IC is heartbreaking. My boyfriend (the one who has been with me through IC) and I broke it off about 3 weeks ago; IC is very hard on relationships. BUT, you can do it whether he is there or not. WE all face challenges in our lives, and unfortunately IC is one many other people don't understand. Not being able to do much sexually makes it even more challenging, but there is someone out there who will understand you and stick with you even if this relationship doesn't work out- but you also have to remember you can heal on your own. NO, it is not easy, but it is possible. You can rely on yourself and grow strong and know that you did this, you got your life back to a healthy place! It will be amazingly rewarding. I myself had no sex drive and had pain, luckily the pain wasn't unbearable, but I gave up all things sex for a long while because it didn't feel good and, well, I didn't want anyone even touching me! Ugh, it made me angry. I think this is common among us. The good news is, it does get better! Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. I can say confidently that I now have a healthy sex drive (it's not perfect, but night and day compared to before) and I will have been a year in treatment April 1st. But this just recently happened for me, so it takes a lot of time and patience. Trust yourself and your body and don't do things to please someone else if it is going to cause you pain- you and your well-being are number one!!! It is sad to not be able to "please" the one you love, but this is your life we're talking about and you and your health come first. Sometimes you just have to be selfish, no matter how much you love someone else. And I'm sure Tony loves you deeply, but sometimes it is so hard for people to understand what you are dealing with and the kind of pain you are suffering. I truly hope you both can find common ground; some day you WILL have that relationship you admire on the street. And don't worry, your sex drive hasn't disappeared off into the abyss, it is in there and will come back; GOOD days are coming! I went through many crisis points, but nothing as big as that first one at the point you are. Things will swing less and less emotionally and you will regain your drive to live this life. Notice small miracles in every day to the best of your abilities. It is truly the small things that can get you through each day until all of a sudden the days are easier and happier. Life is worth it and in the near future you will wonder why you ever thought you didn't want to live it. It has taken nearly a year for me to feel emotionally stable. I still have my moments, but there is never a point anymore where I would even consider not living. To put this into perspective, and really give you some hope, this is what has happened in the past 2 months. My boyfriend and I broke up, I got pneumonia, I tore my meniscus and had surgery and am now in rehabilitation, I found out my step-mom wrongly used the trust (that i wasn't even informed existed) my dad left my sister and I when he passed and have had to take action thus losing the people I thought were my family, and of course, I still have IC, AND guess what.... I still LOVE my life. IF you had spoken to me 6 months ago I would have told you I was done, at the end of my rope, that I couldn't deal any more. But now, even loaded with all these challenges, somehow life still looks bright and I want nothing more than to be on this earth. This is not to say I haven't been upset, in pain, hurt, cried, been angry, but I see my life in color and I see all that I love around me. You too will find this, I know you will. SO please, please just remember that this is a temporary state, and much of the time it is the evil stuff in your body talking, not you. You are a wonderful human who's life is worthwhile. I wish you peace in such a tough time and hope you can find a piece of light in the darkness. I know you feel very alone, this illness is isolating and wretched, but you will come out OKAY. We are all here for you, just remember that!!!WOw, that was a novel, sorry. XO Whitney P.S. The fact people tell you are glowing is a great sign... a sign you are getting well. You may feel awful, but it's those little things that can let you know you are getting well, that you are on a healing path!

I feel your pain girl!  I am so sorry that you are feeling like this.  You just have to keep telling yourself over and over that it is not forever, it is not forever.  This disease has to take over your life right now, this treatment is an all encompassing process to get well and unfortunately everyone else in your life is in the boat with you.  Eventually you will be one of those happy couples walking down the street......hell you will even be able to go to a restaurant and have dinner out :)  You will be able to have sex and have a normal life without pain.  You will you will you will!  I have been in treatment for 7 months now and have just recently begun to notice a substantial difference in my symptoms.  Sex was actually the thing that set my IC off the worst (like peeing blood and multiple ER visits.)  I am counting the days till I can have sex again!!  I have no idea when it will be......but it will happen.  The rough part is that you have no control over when that will happen other than doing what you are doing-following the program.  And no matter how much you love Tony you can't speed up the process.  You don't deserve to have this happen to you, but at least you are given a chance with Matia to ensure that you will be well, and that this won't happen to your body again.  Just try to keep thinking about moving forward, moving forward, moving forward, then take a break and cry, I know I hav to do that too sometimes.  Its so hard for everyone to understand this illness, but we are all here and understand, so use us!Much love,Jess 

Ria I think we all have relationship issues at times its harder then others. Try to cut yourself some slack though and remember you are getting better. I know for me when I am feeling depressed any little thing that has improved in my IC will help me get through. I don't know if you journal but if you do make sure you write the good things down too. I put them on my wall in my room. I understand being over It trust me I am right there with you the pain every day no break is tiring.
Don't expect people to understand they NEVER WILL so ya gota except that and say this is just for now. Those people your jellous of I am sure have some major issues. IF I saw you walking down the street I might assume your fine too. I have felt that jellous feeling all too often I know how it feels. I get resentment too but it's a bad place to be so try to surround yourself in as much of a positive friendly enviorment as you can.
As far as the sex drive I have it I just can't use it and I think it's just as hard. Tell Tony that you wish you could be more for him right now but it is not forever. I don't know if that helps. YOu need to trust what your doing is the right thing. That is why the little improvements are so important because it reminds yourself that even though it might be slow it is still progress.
As for the antianxiety meds if you read my posts you will see I have had a HUGE BATTLE with this. House ridden ok. the pills just made me have more anxiety I had to stop. Also they messed up my intestines so much. The anxiety and the intestines are totally related I could feel it. WHEN i would have a pannic attack and shit and then the rush down my body felt all fluish. Matia worked really close with me with the herbs. ALso the kelly howell CD's helped me a TON. Then the other thing was therapy I love my theripst and it was important to find one who had been through some health issues and used holistic med so she had a clue what I was saying. My theripst uses skype if you want her. Just message me she isn't too expensive either.
I know how you feel about being alone I feel the same way myself as you can see I just wrote about it. hang in there hon it will get better ((((hugs)))