I warn you, this is raw and angry.  But I had to get it out. 

For over two years I've dealt with not just the usual die-off pain/problems from this treatment but also AWFUL "aesthetic" body issues.  The first 1.5 yrs horrific acne that no makeup could begin to cover.  I lost jobs b/c of it, got pointed at by kids in supermarket lines, got tons of stares and under-the-breath comments.  I would often cry to leave the house or go out with people.  Even now my skin has red spots and pocks all over from it, and b/c Matia said no lasers or other treatments, I think I'm sadly stuck with it. There are other issues as well which are so gross I won't even go into it.

In any case, I'm writing this b/c my current aesthetic issue from treatment has been dandruff and today I was utterly humiliated. I had professional photos scheduled for my business (and I already hate getting pictures taken)... I'd delayed it long enough already during my worst acne days.  Right before the shoot I got my hair blown out at a new salon and, while the last few days I've had more dandruff, as she was doing my hair it got out of control, falling like snow. It literally blanketed my black shirt, the only one I had with me.  As if that wasn't embarrasing enough, when she finished she started saying in a louder voice than necessary, "You really need something for this dandruff, this is bad..."  I tried to shut it down, just saying I have a medical condition and it's complicated and I can't do anything blah blah.  But that didn't compute, and she kept pushing about Head & Shoulders that wil fix it right up guaranteed, etc. and I was like, trust me I've tried that and everything else under the sun before and NOTHING works.  And then she started going on about it's something more major maybe psoriasis and I wanted to shout "would you pleeeease just shut up! I have a freak body just trust me and this conversation is useless."  I don't blame her, she totally meant well, but I still wanted to shove cement in her mouth.  (I hate when people look at you and you can tell their reaction is "Gross! Why don't they do something about that?!" and you're thinking ,"Are you kidding? If there was something I could do it'd be done yesterday!")  Afterwards getting in my car I looked up close in the mirror and wanted to cry.  It was a nightmare -- I could only get half off my shirt and as I tried to get it out of my hair I only succeeded in kicking more of it up. There was no way this wouldn't be noticeable in an upclose headshot.  Already feeling awful, when I got to the photo place he told me I need a comb b/c of the top of my head (I have little hairs sticking up everywhere - they don't grow out all the way and nothing keeps them down), he said it will look bad on white background... I told him there's nothing I can do just go ahead.  After a few pics he had me come look at them on the screen.... I took one look and started crying. Now I'm no looker to begin with but this was Howdy Doody w/ dandruff. I messed up my makeup with the tears and had to cancel everything. 

I don't have self-hatred for my inner self, for who I am, for my personality, etc., but there is a certain hatred for my outside, which kills me but that is the honest truth.  The outside is what people see and judge me on, and I'm not capable of changing it.  I know that I'm a child of God like anyone else, that I am not my body, theoretically, but that doesn't make it magically feel like that.  I know this area of image is a very hard one for my soul, that I already have "ugly issues".  And I know a lot must come from my past... of being, frankly, an ugly child with huge ears and huge glasses and no eyebrows, bullied, forced to have supershort hair so I was mistaken for a boy, the list goes on.

After a few hours of distance from it, I see how this situation is actually an ideal opportunity to transcend my attachment to body/self.  But damn it's hard.  I'm still that little girl inside that just wants to feel pretty -- not gorgeous, just pretty.  Blah blah child of god, just let me be a pretty child of god.  What's even more frustrating is that this *should* be the very last of my problems.  A year ago I was barely able to move with insane pain and I said to myself I'll never let myself get angry about small unessential things again (but my track record isn't good, as I've said the same things before each time I get really sick and then things 'change' once I'm better).   Funny how we adapt and everything becomes relative.  I should be on the ground thanking the miracle that I'm so much better, not demanding more. But this image thing is such an issue for me I can't shake it (yes, even after years of therapy). And not only do I hate how I look oftentimes, but I further hate myself for hating how I look, b/c all of that is just poisonous energy, and totally wasted energy b/c there's nothing I can do!

Whoa, this got long, sorry.  Thanks to all out there for listening.