Hi Everyone,

I suppose I'm looking for support from people who have been through a similar situation as mine.  There are lots of new voices on the forum, and I haven't posted in some time, so I'll give a little situation summary.  I've been a patient of Matia's for 3.5 years.  The first 2.5 years, I did really well and made lots of progress.  It was hard, but it was clear I was headed in the right direction.  About a year ago, I developed some kind of infection/crazy die off/something and had a HUGE setback. At one point, I tested positive for staph bacteria in my urine, so we think this was a big part of what happened, but what is going on remains somewhat unclear. I spent 3 months in the bathroom, in agonizing pain, wanting to die.  I had to move back in with my mother, couldn't work, kind of split up with my boyfriend, just stopped functioning completely.  I was in total survival mode for about 6 mos, and now I'm able to go to work, but am nowhere near back to where I was before.  Matia has slowly brought me out of it, but I am still very symptomatic and I think I am pretty traumatized by the whole experience.   I was doing everything right for so long and still ended up in a huge mess. 

As I've improved, Matia is trying to wean me off my intense anti-bacterial/fungal protocol.  And I have been very resistant.  I am terrified of that high level constant UTI pain coming back.  We've talked about it to death, and she assures me that she thinks I'm ready for the switch and has asked me to make a pretty radical protocol change this month.  It's been a week since my appt and I can't bring myself to do it.  Every time I try, I get the shakes, start crying, freak out.  It's not rational, but I just fee like I'm dealing with such a high level of trauma that I don't know if I can do what she's asking. I worry that I have been too "sunny" in my symptom description causing her to think I'm doing better than I am. 

I feel like she's asking me to put a lot of trust in her but I am like a wounded animal and I don't trust anyone or anything.  I guess I'm asking all of you if you have experience with taking a leap of faith in treatment and having it work out for the better.  It may help quell my fears a bit.  

Thanks!  There have been a lot of great posts lately, and I'll try to get back on and respond at some point soon - we just got power back after a freak winter storm over the weekend that left us in the dark for a couple days!

-Claire