I  am so sorry you feel this way, i am not sure if you are a patient of Matia or not but i hope if not that soon you can be. I was like you for so many years until i found her. She is trying to have a place close to her where she could take care of people in need. Meanwhile just try to be strong until you can be under her care. There is a better life after ic, i promise you that. I was really really bad, i wanted to give up. i am glad i did not. i have a long way to go but there is hope. i wish i could do something to take this fear away,... I can tell you this, one day life will be better. Matia will find a way to help people in need, she will not rest until that happens. Pls dont give up.
 
Veronica

Dear Me
It breaks my heart that you feel this way.  I am someone who constantly struggles with OCD relating to my health, I have been where you are right now.  Please protect yourself from the internet.  If I start searching I end up with every disease that is on there.
If i were unable to get to see Dr. B, and had the degree of anxiety that you're suffering from, I have no doubt in my mind that I would be taking conventional anti-anxiety meds - there are times that I occasionally still use them.  You are not a failure if you've come to the realization that you can't go on without some sort of perscription.  I do know that some of the meds are considered far less harmful to IC than others.  I myself went to see Dr. B while on Busparine.  She told me that this was one that she didn't have severe problems with - I know that there are others.  I believe one of them is Elavil, also known as amitriptyline. In an ideal world you wouldn't use any of this stuff - but please please don't beat yourself up if you feel that you've run out of options.
This thing about not subjecting your Mom to you, is that coming directly from her?  If it is, I am so sorry.  If it isn't, maybe she would like to make the choice for herself?
I truly believe that your mind is not doing this to your body.  I believe, from experience, that the imbalances in your body are doing this to your mind.  I wasted a year of my life in cognitive bahavioral therapy.  Which, if I were to take it now, would probably no longer be a waste.  I believe that I've physically healed enough that my mind is now able to think clearly enough to grasp this kind of treatment.  Ironically, I don't feel like I need it enough to commit to the program again.  Especially as I become calmer as days go by and more junk pours out of me.
Dear Me, I don't speak lightly, I have rocked in dark rooms, sobbing, looking up mental health facilities to check myself into.  I have scratched my arms to feel the physical pain - dimminishing the mental anguish.  I have come to fear the fear more than the disease.
I'm sending a great big Hug - you can find me at greatworker1@hotmail.com.

Hi Me,
         I have read a lot of your posts and I think about you often and am so concerned for you.  There are people out there who will help you, maybe it's not your family, but as you let others know that you need help and are willing to accept it, I truly believe things will start to get better.  Especially since you are not in treatment with Matia, I think it makes sense for you to take your anti-anxiety meds.  You have to be able to get through your days without complete panic. 
        After I got sick, I kept working for a year, trying to "tough it out" and be brave.  It sounds similar to what you are going through.  I would get through the day, come home and cry, eat something, feel worse, lie in bed and do it again.  It was incredibly isolating and desolate.  I know the worry about the health ins. stuff, but Christiane Northrop (who wrote women's bodies women's wisdom) calls staying in a job that is killing you because you think you need insurance "dying for benefits".  The regular medical community is not going to give you a satisfying answer to what is happening with your body.  Insurance is important if you break a bone or have an emergency, but with a chronic health issue, the md's are not going to treat the root of the problem.  I don't regret leaving my job for a minute.  Yes, I have less money and I live the the uncertainty of not having a stable career in my 30's, but I don't cry every day anymore.  Putting my health first (mental, physical, spiritual) is the only thing that matters in my opinion.  If you don't have your health, even if you have money, you feel compromised.
         My mother was of the mindset that I had somehow "caused" this for a long time.  But once I really reached out to her and made it clear that I needed her help, she stepped up and has become so, so supportive of my healing process. I don't know your situation, but I truly believe that people want to help others in need if they can.  Maybe you could stay with your mom and get some job where she lives?  Then you would at least have a greater support system if she is able to do that for you.
        I don't want to overload you with a million suggestions, but I just wanted to tell you that reaching out, asking for help, and accepting help really changed my entire course for my life.  I KNOW how bleak your days feel when you live with so much pain and uncertainty but please remember that you are not alone and people care about you.