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Hello All,
Well first I want to appologize for not writing to say how greatful I am for your replies concerning the skin issues and the organic food. Thank you. Thank you. You all are certainly helping eachother and others.
Lately I feel very depressed...honestly I feel like I don't even care at all about anything at all; like everything is just so overwhelming and hard. I think of dying and suddenly feel this peace just come over me. The calm that comes over me actually scares me becuase of my kids. Sometimes I use those thoughts to get me through the day. I start to loose the fear of tomorrow becuase I feel I have control over how many tomorrrows I have.
I know how dangerous it has become becuase after working so hard to get off benzos I took one 2 days ago. I desperately needed to escape my own thoughts. I guess I just figured there is no point in suffering the time that's left. I am scared of myself right now. the only thing that brought me back to reality was my son. He's six.
Yesterday I took him to the park to play. My poor baby has been confined to the house with me. I decided I would make these days the most fun he has ever had. Forget me and just make sure he remembers his mom loved him. Well...another kid ran into his face with his head and tore up his mouth. I was so pissed off (sorry). Of course we left and I changed his clothes in the car. I was going to get some groceries after, but when I tried to get off the car he clung to me and pleadeed not to leave him. He kept saying he just waned to be with me. The feeling was more than I could take. I just started cryig. What the hell is wong with me? No one in this world will ever love my kids like I do. Not even close. I'm just so lost right now. the emotional and physical pain fels like too much right now (not IC pain). So if you're stlll reading here's my story.
Sequence of events is more or less accurate...benzos really messed with my memory and ability to cope with stress and anxiety.
When I was about 9 or 10 I developed a seious case of rheumatic fever. I had to be injected with antibiotics weekly for a year. Then when I was in middle school I developed a gross looking skin condition that looked like a combination of acne and scabbies and was given antibiotics for another year. High school I stayed pretty active and is what I remember as the healthiest time of my life. At the age of 19 I got pregnant with my son who is now 14. My life was never the same after pregancy. I developed a pretty severe case of dry eyes and mouth and became very depressed as it changed my life so drastically. I found myself looking for a/c vents and fans and made sure to sit as far from them as posible. I soon became the weirdo with the dark glasses indoors becuase I became sensitive to the light. I found a way to cope and kept chugging along. at the age of 20 I felt horrible pain all along the right side of my face and my neck. I was diagnosed with trigeminal neuralgia and fibro. At the age of 23 I had enough and decided to take medication. That's when I was given neurontin for the first time. Ally, I remember how amazing it felt to be pain free after years of pain. I was in love and more so when I realized the high also made me forget about how depressed and alone I felt. I have no idea how I got to work or home sometimes. My dose went up to 3600mg a day...and I weighed about 110 lbs. Crazy. I remember being really bloated and constipated all the time, but with less pain so that was enough for me.
I got pregnant with my younger son in 2005. I stopped all meds cold turkey. Oh My God!!! That was one of the worst times of my life. I didn't know it was withdrawl at the time, but that's what it was. It was severe depression. As soon as my son was born the doctor put me back on neurontin. One dose made me the best mom ever. That's what mattered to me at the time. I went back to work...was actually nominated teacher of the year a couple of years and was teacher of the month a few times also.
(sorry this is so long....I just feel a need to recap for persnal reasons also)
Well, after a couple of years I wasn't sleeping anymore. So I was prescibed triazlom, and when that didn't work clonazepam. Don't worry he said its not even a whole milligram. Eventually I lost my ability to cope with stress completely. I would stay at work so late to complete a task that I was able to complete in 30 mins before benzos.
I eventually couldn't eat becuase everthing caused acid reflux and pain. I had bood in my stools and blood in my stomach lining. Then I started to get yeast infections and bladder infections regularly. So I decided to stop taking all meds. I was going crazy.
I felt like someone was squeezing my head, while blowing a horn in my ear (tinnitus), while riding a roller coaster (anxiety/adrenaline rushes) nonstop. All day and all night. Only slept 2-4 hours every 2-3 days. I eventually learned that I had to either ride it out or reinstate with valium. That saved my life. I tappered very slowly but became afraid of food and only ate peanutbutter with crackers everyday...and water. Mid taper IC came knocking at my door. I thought it was just another infection. Nope. I even thought my bladder had fallen out of place and went around requesting bladder slings/mesh.LOL. Everyone said there was no cure.
One day I typed in natural treatment or something like that for IC and there you guys were. I read everything. I couldn't get enough. I was so high on hope I promise I forgot about my pain for a few minutes. Dr. B helped me so much.
I started to feel better really quickly(2-4 months into treatment).
Continued...(Sorry about my
Continued...(Sorry about my typos)
I stuck to the diet to the T. I lost a lot of weight. I was scary skinny, but Dr. B said that when my body started absorbing nutrients I would begin to gain. i think I just felt good way to fast. I had resigned from teaching and I took a job as soon as I felt better. I started to tolerate a lot more foods and there weren't very healthy alternatives in the cafeteria. I packed a lunch at first, but when the work load got heavier I couldn't balance it all. I began to relapse with other issues that had resolved. My dry eyes and mouth scared me. My eyeballls were sticking to my lids and I could barely swallow. All of this because of a few not so healthy foods. Then I learned my kids were both having trouble with dry eyes and my world just came down. I couldn't stand the thought of them suffering with this at such a young age or ever. I just gave up on life. All the damn doctors kept telling me I had to wait to see if they would grow out of it. Meanwhile I was going crazy thining about how to fed them better and how to control their environment a little more to make their eyes less painful. Damn....the worst feeling in he world is not being able to help your kids. I just stopped trying. My mind collapsed for a whole month. I stopped eating and getting up. I hardly showered. I cried most of the time. If I did eat I ate bad food. Funny how when you learn about how harmful most food is then it's almost as if you pnish ypurself with it knowing it'll kill you slowly. Anyway my adrenals just busted. It was too late when I got back on track with my diet and herbs. I was so stupid. I refussed to seek Dr. Bs help because I couldn't afford to take my kids to her and I felt like I would be such a bad mother taking care of myself and not my kids. After speaing to a therapist who told me what I already knew I reached out to Dr. B and she was so understanding and helped me deal with the anxiety and depression that wasn't letting me think straight. Then she helped with my eyes. They're not great, but they're not as terrible as they were in Jan. either. Dr. B is my only hope right now too. I have to work hard to undo all the damage I caused to myself in two months. Some days I feel so ready to face it all and most days I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore. I don't recognize this person that I see now. This person is bitter and sad and desperate for the life she remembers. I need help, but most of all I need patience.
So here's what I want for all of you wonderful ladies to realize...once you make good changes don't go back to bad habits just because it's easier. It's not worth al the time lost and the hardships it brings to you and your loved ones. All of this is tearing my family apart, and it's making me seriously question my faith.
I hope that the big message that is taken from my story is that healing is possible; I dare say guaranteed, with Dr. Bs help, but only if you're honest with her and willing to put in the time and effort. There are no short cuts with her. You are either all in or not. You can't eat crap and abuse your body and expect to get better...I learned the hard way.
Marilu
Hi Mary Joe. It sounds like
Hi Mary Joe. It sounds like you've had a very bumpy ride and my heart goes out to you. It's so hard to keep our hopes up when so many bad things have happened to us. It's especially hard when it all just seems like bad luck. It's so unfair really. I can really relate to your negative feelings, I have experienced them myself at different points in my life and if I have the most supportive and loving family to thank for always being there, without judging, to help me through the scary, dark and sad moments until I can see the silver lining again.
I am reading a really great book... I started reading it because I was feeling depressed in a similar way to the one you've described here. Feeling really desperate and lost and hopeless. Sometimes it really feels impossible to see anything positive in the world. When I feel that I way I just tell myself to hold on, because this feeling comes and goes eand it will go away again. Anyway I am reading "Man's Search For Meaning" by Victor Frankl.
The first half was depressing but it also puts things into perspective. Victor Frankl was a holocaust survivor, he lost his entire family including his wife to the camps, except for his sister. Miraculously enough he survived the camps himself and became a world renowned pyschiatrist. So the first half of the book is an account of his experience, focusing mostly on the psychological aspects of suffering the fate of a prisoner in the camps, and the second half focuses on his treatment plan for this type of trauma/suffering.
The philosophy he is known for is called logotherapy and it is a therapy that tries to help each individual find the meaning and purpose in his/her life that inspires them to overcome their suffering. He talked about the fact that people in the camps who had loved ones that would be waiting for them, children, partners, family members etc that made them feel responsible, or work that ONLY they could complete, scientific studies works of art etc., were more likely to survive than others... simply because they had a will to survive.
He speaks constantly about being worthy of suffering. If suffering is meaningless than it's incredibly hard to get through. But if we can find some purpose in it in our lives, then it becomes bearable. He quotes Nietsche and says "he who has a why to live can bear almost any how".
I foundn all of this to be really pertinent to my own experience, since I find the times that I am really depressed feel SO depressing because I can't find any purpose to my life or my suffering. I also think it's relevant to your story because it seems very clear to me that you do have a very significant meaning in your life.
From what I read in your messages it sounds like your children adore you, and need you... and you need them too. What if you can give your suffering a purpose? You are suffering so that you can be an inspirational and attentive mother to your children. You are suffering so that you can show them how to persevere, because they will also suffer in their lives. You are showing them how to take care of themselves. You are showing them how to love and respect others even when bad luck seems to envelope you.
I really liked this quote in the book. I have to remind myself of it daily, because I can really consume myself with negative thoughts and I have to remember that I can choose to be negative, or I can choose to look at things more positively. So just as a caveat, he is talking about the rare people in the concentration camps who despite the overwhelming emotional and phsyical stress they suffered on a daily basis, were able to preserve their inner lives and spirits. They were the ones he says who would give up their last piece of bread to save a friend, or who would trade places to take life threatening work shifts. Here's the quote:
"We who lived in the concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away thier last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way... Every day, every hour, offered the opportunity to make a decision, a decision which determined whtehre you would or would not submit to those powers which threatened to rob you of your very self, your inner freedom; which determined whether or not you would becom ea plaything of circumstance, renouncing freedom and dignity... it becomes clear that the sort of person the prisoner became was the result of an inner decision, and not the result of camp influences alone. Fundamentally, therefore, any man can, even under such circumstances, decide what shall become of him - mentally and spiritually."
Well I hope this doesn't sound preachy or like a rant.
If everyone else on this forum can heal, than you can too. Patience is something we all struggle with and we'll continue to struggle with I'm sure. I can tell from your message that you crave hope, and help in some way. I've been feeling the same way lately, and have decided to see a therapist that can help me cope with all of the emotional trauma I'm experiencing right now and the physical issues as well obviously... for me the most important part is that I am looking for someone who can also help me to grow spiritually.
Hang tight Mary. This will pass. Nothing NOTHING lasts forever.
I am sending love and healing thoughts your way. I know you will find a light in your life that makes all of this pain worth bearing.
Love,
Hannah
Marilu
Marilu
Your story is so heartfelt. Thank you so much.
IC is such a deep, deep, to the core imbalance. It is going to take you much more time to unravel it all. You remember of course that as your bladder feels better (It was one of the most recent symptoms to start) you have many more symtoms to revisit, and you have anxiety on top of it which is overarching everything.
Two things: 1. Do you have support to stay away from the Benzo's like a local support group or I heard there is a FABULOUS facebook support group which maybe you already know about? I used to occasionally take them for sleep and now I don't keep them in the house which means if I wanted some I would have to call in the prescription, etc.. and this helps to keep them away. I would honestly rather have crap sleep than benzo sleep. It is a hoax that it helps with sleep. A big pharma conspiracy exraordinaire. Plus I read a fabulous book on sleep called Effortless Sleep Method. It totally and completely changed my sleep and gave me mastery over my "insomnia" which is just a made up thing
2. I was under the impression that Boaz Brizman could treat children without an office visit? If they could treat with him this would take a huge stress off you.
From everything I have read and experienced, children respond so much more quickly to treatment and you could probably help them very quickly with the right guidance.
Can you look into treating long distance? I know I plan to do this for my girls. If he can't, do you know the book THe Nurishing Traditions Book of Baby and Child Care? I have heard this is fabulous for children.
Thanks again for your story. And I will pray every day that you stay away from benzos and keep working towards getting your health back 100%.
If we don't excel at health, the only other option is disease.