I was doing really good for a long time. No more pelvic pain and pressure. Then I started feeling more itching. One day recently, I had been feeling so good for a while, that I actually could stop concentrating on my symptoms. My pelvic floor dysfunction had pretty much gone away. I could pee normally. And I worked outside in my yard and was just enjoying the day and being active, not thinking about food constantly, not depressed. The next day, I had a flare.

It only lasted a few hours. But it was the first one I have experienced really in months. That took it's toll on me. That made me so depressed that right now I am in the depths of despair. I am trying to work and keep it together, but I am so sad and depressed and scared right now. I'm scared to eat again. I feel weak all the time. When I eat the wrong thing, I feel clitorial itching, and yesterday, it was bad.

I then have a habit, when I get scared, of reading the blogs on the Internet. I am afraid I have nerve damage and nerve entrapment because of the vulvadynia, clitoradynia itching I feel. It seems like other people I google on the internet experience this, but everyone just says it's a yeast infection, and it can't be for this long. 

I am seeing a counselor today, but I have already been in two outpatient programs and in the hospital for my nerves, which made my nerves worse because the medicine they gave me made me hurt more. I have been so low lately that I have considered not being in the world anymore because this is all too difficult.

I don't feel like I eat enough to get enough nutrients. I can't make my family understand how difficult this is for me, and I need my insurance at work. They have been really good to me, but it is so difficult for me to concentrate. I want to just say to them, if you want to save me, you will let me come home and live with you for a while, but I don't think they understand how mentally bad off I am at the moment. I need help, and I am not finding it from anyone. Not the doctors here. Not anyone. I cry at work every day. I am not strong enough to handle this and deal with these constant symptoms. I was so hopeful when the pain began to decrease, but the other symptoms have jumped in my face.

I was out of fight or flight and panic for quite a while, and now I am back in it, and can't remove myself from it. I look at all the healthy people around me, and I am so envious of them. It's hard for me to read Facebook or hear people laugh because I am in such despair. I wish I had a million dollars so that I would not have to worry about work and could tend to my needs right now. I look for every bit of hope I can find and try to cling to it and put my mind in a better place, but it is not working. And living by myself is not helping.

I am scared and alone and I can't find help anywhere. Never even knew anything like this existed before the doctor suggested that I had it.