Living with chronic illness has me put my well-being at the top of the priority list most of the time and I’ve learned to release the fear that if I say no, people will not like me anymore. I have to be true to myself in any given moment and that means sometimes saying no and allowing people to deal with their response to that. I’m not in charge of how people respond; I can’t control any of it. I am just in charge of being as authentic and loving as I can be, and I have learned some amazing tools to help me release the need to please everyone, so I can be in better balance in my life.

I love my friends, I love my family, and would love to celebrate, share, and be at every milestone event, holiday and gathering, but that’s just sadly not going to work for me, and generally doesn’t work for the healthiest   either.

You do not need to be a people pleaser all the time. You need to be your number one priority. Honor your bodys recovery. Don't make excuses for how you feel or over explain. There lack of understanding doesn't have to be your problem. You have enough to deal with you shouldn't have to add that to your plate too. Clear your energy and make room to focus on your own process. You will be less concerned with there response and the words will come. You do not have to justify yourself the answer is, "because this is what works for me" or :because this doesn't work for me".

Dealing with people who don't understand is a new skill that the more clear you are internally with your own process the easier it wil be to deal with there reactions.When you say no firmly and without a groveling apology, it affirms your self-worth and it's a way to stand up for yourself.You don't have to have another appointment first in order to say no.
we feel obliged to justify our "no" with a detailed explanation — often a fictitious one. Yet elaborating is seldom necessary, and it leaves you on shaky ground. The more specific information you supply, the more likely the other person will be to: a) try to figure out a way to "solve the problem" so that you can actually do the thing he wants you to do (which, of course, you don't want to do), b) decide that your reason for saying no isn't good enough and be miffed about it, or c) catch you in a lie (if you're lying). If the other person insists on knowing why, the burden of prying will be on him. When that happens, don't fall into the trap of trying to come up with new, more creative excuses to satisfy someone who can't take no for an answer. Instead, repeat yourself as often as necessary. You can emphasize different words, change the language around a bit, or offer some other vague comment."I have a policy." For example, it's our policy to have dinner together as a family every Friday night,"
" I know I don't look sick on the outside, but I need you to respect my choice to honor my body and get the rest I need to be well" This helps them understand you relate to there confusion and makes them think about there choice of placing guilt on you.
" I am on my path to recovery and while I am having some good days this just isn't one of them and I need to rest"
" I am going to have to decline but I will let you know when I am free"
now these reasons really go into more detail then you need to because saying" I am sorry I just can't make it" should be enough.
IF you really feel the need to give a reason you can try "my body is repairing and I need to respect the process by resting I hope you can understand"
 You will not be alone and misserable for the rest of your life by saying no to your family and friends. You will likely loose some of your friends but this is ok learn to accept that those who can not deal with the energy you have are not healthy for your life in this moment. Those who will understand  necessary boundaries, will, stick with you, and  relationships are that much stronger as a result. Try to have small groups over for coffe , tea and board games or movies so that you don't loose touch with friends but they understand the types of activites you can do.
Make a list of these and give them to your friends.
I have to acknowledge myself; be kinder and more compassionate with myself; trust that I’m worthy enough; say “no” when I need to without a reason; embrace failure as an opportunity to move in a better direction; and accept the responsibility that comes with the things I want in life.

A big event like a wedding or anniversry or birthday... If your feeling you need to attend these or maybe you even want to but you know you are very weak. Set yourself a time limit and don't feel bad about leaving.I know many of you will already have to bring provisions and this is part of why you need to set yourself a time limit. 30 min is my min time one hr is my max time for instance. You will know what is best for you. And you just say " I had a lovely time thank you so much for inviting me ". This already implies your leaving and unless they ask you , you should be able to just duck out at this point. If they ask you Oh your leaving?Say  "Yes, I must get some rest it I had a wonderful time thank you" and that is all.
The wedding : Depending on the relationship that is up to you on how this is handled. I have gotten with the caters a head of time and give them my meal. I find out what is being served and see if I can mimic something simalar to take the attention off me.  There is always a salad so I make my own, then I make my meal. So  this way everything is brought to me all pretty and they just have to heat it for you. For me the choice to leave is after the cake , or the first dance when not feeling up to staying if you don't feel the need to pre plan your exit just make sure not to feel guity for loving yourself. This is the key , you deserve to be well and take care of yourself so make your exit most weddings people are so busy with guests they don't even have time to enjoy the wedding so don't feel bad. Your family isn't going to disown you on family events so this is a good place to practice the art of saying no.
If your having a hard time with this try your afermations so you can reafirm that you are worth it and you deserve to take the time out you need to heal.As you practice this gets easier.

Be well
Nicole P.