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I want to repost this, to get some feedback from all of you. This is soooo me, I have felt this for a while now. I am trying to overcome it.
Did any of you also deal with this? How did/do you overcome, or get through it?
http://icama.org/blog/mbrizman/2008/10/23/mothers-and-children-and-inadequacy\
Feelings of inadequacy are common amongst the population of people with IC. Perhaps inadequacies even more-so with women having IC. This issue may interrupt one's ability to handle social stresses that come their way leaving them more vulnerable to the ill effects of stress.
I was reminded speaking to someone this week what a huge issue this is. In my opinion, this stems back to childhood, and the relationship that a child has with her mother. A mother's job is to nurture her child and to help create her feelings of self worth. If that feeling of self worth is not established from a young age, it may impact that person's entire lifetime of emotional and even physical health.
I work with a very specific population of people so I do not know what percentage of people share this dynamic, but amongst those with IC, the issue is a common one. Part of the process of working on your health is working on your emotional health. I am not at saying that IC is a disease that is in one's head, but rather what is in our heads effects our bodies by slowly altering the normal physiological processes that occur on a daily basis.
This particular patient that spoke to me about her own feelings of stress surrounding a social work situation really struck me because she is a beautiful (inside and out) person with absolutely nothing to feel inadequate about. And, this stressor was really affecting her mind. What worried me is that if she did not recognize it, that it would lead to physical symptoms.
I am sure I pointed it out in time, and that will help her cope. And, I wanted to remind each of you to love yourselves and to fill the chasms that may be in your hearts from childhood with love from yourself. We don't know how to do that as children, but we can learn to do that as adults so that we may slowly repair what should have been built correctly in the first place.
Know that each of you are wonderful in your own special ways, and don't let others make you doubt yourselves!
I had a two extremely loving
I had a two extremely loving parents. I felt supported and loved. HOWEVER- my dad was (is) an alcoholic and despite the love, there was a lot of instability. My older brother was also a terrible alcoholic/drug addict. My mom did an amazing job to keep things as calm as possible but living with alcoholism is just flat out crazy. There are degrees and I am lucky that I had the support and love. I am going to Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings which are like Al- anon. It is tough work but it is helping me see how some of my thought patterns contribute to the panic of having an illness. I DO NOT THINK MY ILLNESS WAS CAUSED BY THIS!! However, facing it and dealing with stress and my life and how I approach things is part of the whole thing.
Also- edited to add- My dad has small intestine cancer right now so I do think the weakness was passed down from him.
(((((hug)))))
Calieve, I totally thing my
Calieve,
I totally thing my childhood has lots to do with my situation right now. I haven’t been taking good care of myself in the last 10 years because basically I felt worthless on a very subconscious level. Funnily enough I haven’t accepted and loved myself since I got IC....so in a way I should be thankful... I always will love my parents but honestly I haven’t received so much love from them when I was a kid... especially from my mother, she was very cold, aggressive and dealing with depression, so I have a grey picture of my childhood... Is not her fault and she had her own issues but is very sad if I think about it. I have a great relationship with them now but still, I realise that period of my life still has a big impact.
We should remember every day: I completely and deeply love and accept myself. No matter what brought me here becasue I’m letting go the old. I’m healing every day, I’m protected and I’m safe. I trust the process. I have the power to heal myself.
xoxo
Sonia- I love that last part!
Sonia- I love that last part! Really nice.
Also I was thinking about babies who have failure to thrive. They are fed and taking in calories but they do not have love so they literally don't grow. Clearly, the stress of not being loved is showing in physiological changes in the gut whch prevent utilization of nutrients and then there is the mysterious part- they need love to thrive.
I feel like my stress as a child may have started mo on a pattern of not dealing adequately with stress which depleted my body of nutrients that combined with environmental things (Pill etc) and family genetics could have all led me here. Oh well....onward and upward
Also wanted to add- ACoA is also for disifunctinal families too, not just alcoholic ones. I am finding the 12 step model to be helpful on coping right now. It is helping me release some concepts of control.
I can relate
Hi,
I grew up in a very disfunctional home. To this day my mother will not accept responsibility for how my childhood has affected me to this day. I have a love/hate relationship with her. I love her and at the same time I don't like her and am very resentful of her. She was very selfish as a mother, did her own thing and I had way too much responsibility as a child. Yes, I have a lot of anger. Yes, I have been for counselling. And 100% YES, I think this affects my health. When you can't get the person that has so deeply affected you to admit what they've done to you.....how do you ever get past it?
I don't self love myself.....I see way too many flaws....and food has always been my comfort and now its my enemy. Messed up isn't it?
Here I am again-- geez!
Here I am again-- geez! LOL
Anyway- there are a lot of good books about Self Parenting, Calieve. The idea ia to in a sense re-parent yourself do you ge in touch with the little child that didn't get what they need and you hopefully adress that.
Emotional/mind/body connection
I too have had a difficult relationship with my mother my entire life. My mom had undiagnosed mental health issues while I was growing up and living with her was like living with a ticking time bomb, except you never knew when it was going to go off. After some therapy and lots of soul searching, I've establised a closer relationship and more boundries with my mom as an adult, but I know the wounds are still there. I know much of the guilt, anxiousness and loneliness I've battled with my whole life, was as a result of my less-than-ideal childhood.
I would be really interested in learning whether most of us IC'ers have similar experiences and backgrounds. It really does drive home the mind/body connection and how healing needs to be much more than a physical process.
This i fascinating. Me,
This i fascinating. Me, too.
My mum had issues with her own mother, and severe postnatal depression after I was born, and we've never been close. My dad was (and is) amazing, but they split up when I was five, and life with my mother, as someone said upthread, was like walking on eggshells. Had numerous traumatic run-ins (her throwing all my sister's presents out on her 7th birthday; pulling the christmas tree over one christmas eve; telling us she was going to throw our shoes out as we'd been naughty) during my childhood, and I had extreme anxiety as a result. Also, she never would and still won't say she loves us, or do much in the way of hugging, which is pretty hard going, at times.
I gather that the heightened adrenaline levels triggered by anxiety can do as good a job of stripping the gut of good bacteria as antibiotics can - so no huge suprise that we're all struggling with intestinal disorders, I guess ... I'm looking into therapy now (after a particularly gruelling weekend at my mum's) and tbh it feels long overdue.
self-parenting
Sarah- me too.. I´ve never heard "I love you", had hugs or felt I could become something in life because I was good. What I most remember though is the awful things, being beaten, being told I was bad, that I didn´t deserve even the food or clothes. Lots of loneliness...She was under a lot of stress and I forgive her... but still... she shoudn´t have done that... I would never beat a child.... NEVER. That´s why I became a rebell and I didn´t treat my body with respect ...always showing up I was strong and I didn´t need anybody... very careless.. I was very angry and anxious... that lead to overuse of alcohol, poor diet, acne problems because of a toxic body, lots of antibiotics, bc pill.. etc
Deir or Nadia- Can you recommend a good sel-parenting book? :)
We are healing mind-body and spirit...is never too late!.... :) I think IC and other chronic illness have a strong psychological background... I´m very sure
xo
Its no wonder one of the
Its no wonder one of the first questions Matia asked me outside of health related stuff was how was my relationship with my Mother. Its apparantly a common thread we all share! I've ordered the book mentioned above as its time to reparent myself and get myself off this rollercoaster that I've been on for 49 years!
Which book Shelby?
Which book Shelby?
I´ve read the Louise Hay "You can heal yourself" but not a self-parenting one... I´m very interested.
Thanks for all your responses
Wow, thanks for all your responses. When I read this post to begin with, I was like really others with IC have experienced this too. I had to get your feedback to believe it for myself.
It's just so crazy because I have been feeling this and saying this to my husband for the longest. That I feel that the relationship that I have to my parents really affects me a lot. I am not as confident as I feel, I should be. I do seek approval from others and especially from my husband. I am very insecure, and shy sometimes. And I did wonder if all of that had anything to do with my physical well being. And it does, like all of you have said. I don't think that it is the cause either but it plays a role in us getting better, and healing ourselves.
Dr. B told me in my last appointment that this process brings out a lot of old memories, and things in your past that you thought you got over. This is so true, ever since I started treatment I have all these old feelings coming back of my parents. Problems I used to have years ago in my relationship. I thought I had gotten over it. But I guess not, maybe these are coming back because I need to deal with them in a different way.
Just this last Friday I could not stop thinking about it, I kept thinking about how I tried so hard to have a close relationship with both my Mom and my Dad and I just kept getting closed off by them. I don't know why they wouldn't let me in. I wanted so much to have a loving, affectionate relationship with my Mom. She just wasn't like that. If anything she put me down, and said a lot of negative things to me. And like one of you said, both my Parents never told me they loved me. I never got hugs or kisses. I was always told I had to be something they wanted me to be, I was never told that I was doing a good job.
I have already tried in the past to forgive my Parents for what I feel was not good parenting. I have tried to love them for who they are and know that no one is perfect. But it doesn't make me forget the hurtful memories. And it is hard when they still do things that hurt me emotionally.
I guess I know now that maybe I do need more help to deal with this, maybe I need to go to counseling. I should read some self- help books like one of you recommended. Maybe everytime a bad memory or thought comes to my mind of them, I should replace it with a good memory I have of them. I did have a lot of good childhood memories with them. I don't know why my head seems to always think of the bad ones.
Not to give our mothers an
Not to give my mother an excuse, but I keep in mind that raising children with love didn't really emerge as a movement until Dr Spock proved importance of parental bonding along with the fact that there is much benefit to treating each child as a Person. Until then, children had to follow a set of rules that developed over centuries. My maternal grandparents and great grandparents believed that giving praise and recognition spoils a child, using makeup and pretty clothes generates too much unneeded attention, children are not to speak until they are spoken to, respect to elders all times, all girls are supposed to get married and live happily ever after, etc.
My mother slightly modified her believes and loosened the rules, but the principles largely remained the same. Because she never received love herself, she was unable to give love. It seems as if she was unconsciously installing her own insecurities in me. She would never admit that she did something wrong. Considering her age, I am not sure if she'll ever change although she tries now. It appears that she doesn't do it on purpose, it is a matter of habit to be detached and critical when she is not happy.
I am conscious about not passing this trend to my daughters. I would absolutely love to be remembered by my children for being a loving and caring mother and break this cycle.