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Ok ladies I am sorry but i got to let her rip I don't expect anything from it but here she goes.
My boyfirend and I are having the worst time he is not even around anymore he has been sleeping in my shed its so bad I NEVER see him we are only in passing now. I am so fed up with all of this I need something to give. He has nothing left and neither do i. I have lost almost all help from my parents and I can't work I have two homes I have to mannage and my boyfriend has his and I end up managing that one most of the time. the spa isn't going to open anytime soon and the messed up part about that is it;s only a few thousand dollars stopping me from opening. FOr me that is unreachable I don't want to open a loan because I will be relying on my tenates for money when i open and I don't want yet another debt when I am 700,000 in debt and climbing. I am a wreck and the pain and the die off and then all the stress is just killing me. I want so bad for someone to just come over clean my house for me and pet my head and just hug me and cook me some food with out any hassle of what I should do or drama I should be able to get that but its too much to ask for. I don't feel loved from Adam right now I know he loves me but right now it just feels like we are going through the motions. I am so sick of all of this I KNOW I have improved and I don't doubt what I am doing is the right thing for one min but I AM OVER IT OVER OVER OVER IT> I have had IC for 14 yrs now and I have had it. Its my turn to have something good in my life. Between this and my epilepsy I lived in hospitals and sick my whole life I am ready to live I want to get on with it. I don't want to depend on anyone either I know putting everything on Adam is too much as soon as I try to do more it seems like it's cleasing time for me. I just got over a feaver and I have been really sick for 3 days Matia tells me it;s part of my healing chrisis and I am getting better I know I am having die off but DAMN WHEN DOES IT STOP. NoT to mention I get a new symptom so she increases my dose to a bigger cleanse i just want to read the pharmacopia off to you all I am on 4 sf 4 gml 2 gold and one 48 3x a day that is 33 pills in one day. I feel like the death star has come to take me. Something has to give in my life be it money or help or affection from a friend I just need human touch and I am so sick of my life. I wish I had someone here who understoood how I feel.
Nicole....you sound like me,
Nicole....you sound like me, must be something in the air. I had a rough time too the last two days with why me? and when will this end?I have had IC for 10 years as well as leukemia for 10 years also. We struggle and suffer and put on a happy face and BELIEVE and KNOW we are going to get better for so long that sometimes something just has to give. Sometimes we do just "break" and our world comes crashing down and we are in the bottom of the bottom of the bottom (did I say and of the bottom?) of the deepest pit. It is so easy to get there. I know how you feel and it sucks. Honor where you are, cry, sleep, eat, pray, meditate, take baths, buy flowers, do whatever you need to do to love yourself a bit. Take a break. Sit and be still. Sit and be still some more. Ask your guardian angels for help, they will help you. Be specific, they are listening. You are on this path for a reason. You have created these very lessons for yourself for the simple reason of achieving your life path. You will come out victorious in the end and be able to provide the human race with so much love and knowledge and STRENGTH because of what you have been through. I know it sucks to hear this because I hate when people say it to me when I am in that dark place but you have the strength to make it through otherwise it would nt be placed in your lap. cheesy but true. it takes a very special man to be with a woman who is suffering from any disease let alone IC. He is also going through his own issues perhaps.? Try and pray that you can find the answers to all these dilemmas that support the greater good of your life. whatever those answers are they are, just so they support the greater good of your life and let it be. let the angels and god work their magic for you. they will. ( or whoever you believe in in the universe) I received the most wonderful healing and changed my life when I cried my eyes out about a year or so after being diagnosed with leukemia because i just got to the point where I couldnt handle anything anymore. not one more thing. i just couldnt do it. i didnt want to live. between my bladder, the leukemia, my parents had disowned me, my boyfriend left me....i had nothing. i cried my eyes out in the shower and just said to God, I cant do it anymore...its all on you. You take it for me becaus ei am too weak. it is too much for me. and you know what...this tremendous peace just washed over me and it was amazing. ever since that moment i have learned when i get to that point, hand it over. forget about searching for the answrs and making it happen. sit back. pray and say thanks, you will be amazed what happens...hold on and be along for the RIDE. it will be amazing because everything you just need will be lining up for you, all the things you need. might not happen right away, but when you can stop trying to figure things out, and control and worry about it, it simply flows. im not saying my life is perfect and i sit back and do nothing because thats not it. i certainly participate/ but for those times that it is just too overwhelming He is there for you and he will take over and offer help all you have to do is ask.i am not a "jesus" person so please dont be offended by any of this if you are or arent. i was raised extremely religious but dont believe in organized religion now because of what I saw in various churches. but that is besides the point. i still am very spiritual and believe in god and your angels and just know they love you and will help if you ask.i know i dont know you but i do know that you are always writing on people' s posts here and that is so very kind and helpful and loving. thank you for that. it is hard to know why we have been handed everything we all have to deal with but there will be a moment in our life where we will look back and say "oh,, THAT is why that happened." Trust me....I need to hear me say that to myself as well but it will happen.That was the caring side of my response. :) as far as the scientific side, i am sure you know this but sometimes we all need to hear it from someone else. when you are heavily cleasing, there is an emotional content to all the toxins. I am sure you are clearing lots of emotional baggage as well as the physical toxins. This has happened to me before and it was right at a stage in specific detox work where I had detoxed as much as I couldnt and I didnt seem to be budging....then I had about 1 week to 2 weeks of utter depair and despondency. After that my toxin level was almost non existant using the measures I had been using. amazing. so perhaps this is happening to you and you will have a hUGE jump in your healing when you are done.this is longer than i ever expected so i will shut my trap now. be remember and do not be afraid of the EXTREME power of stillness and yielding submission to the gifts of the universe if you ask.May you find the peace and stillness that you need tonight.xoBecky
Thank You Becky, Your words
Thank You Becky,
Your words are so kind. I am a christan you didn't offend me and even if I wasnt it still wouldn't offend me. I can't tell you how manny times I have cried and said you take it GOD ENOUGH I CAN"T DO IT . Nothing happens maybe i don't truly give it to him because I don't know how is that why he doesn't answer me? I have always had the hard way of everything in life. It sounds like you know what I mean I am so sorry for your stuggles too Becky your a beautiful woman.
I need to get on my own feet i am sick of answering to my parents I want to open my biz so badly. i want to stand on my feet I want to stop stressing every night and morning and day all day all night about how I am going to pay for everything and how I am ever going to save up the money to open so I don't feel like my Mother and sister own me. THey are incharge of my money and have no clue they don't get why everything is so much I haven't done a single thing for myself in so long I am just so broke and stressed out i have no energy. I don't go anywhere I have lost all my friends that are local except one and she dumps on her problems on me everytime i see her so it sucks more energy i don't have. i just hang on to her because I wouldn't see anyone if it weren't for her. It seems like GOD has some plan for me but he didn't let me in on it. I feel like I got it but I guess I don't beccause here I AM still hanging by a thread and the only thing that keeps me going is the fact that back in 2004 I got out of pain for a few months then i had a seizure got a staph infection and life hasn't been the same since. TOday my the lady I rent my house out called me and asked me if she could stay another yr. I was going to put that house on the market. WHen I though about it I said to myself If I put this house on the market i will have to pay her deposit back i don't have. I will also have to live off of 700 a month NO CAN DO. I can't do either of them. But I have to raise her rent by not paying her electric bill anymore because it's killing me. so I told her this I am waiting to hear back. I wanted so badly to sell so I could change my life and I feel like I can't do it because I need that rent money to live. Only if I sold the house it would be like buying my soul back I would have my spa and give half my dept back. THen there's Adam I put so much responsibility on him that he has checked out now too. And it seems like when my life is at it's worst stress wise my body dumps the most toxins.
I don't know what to do I told the lady she could stay as long as she pays her bills herself I hope she aggrees I will not be able to open till next oct unless some act of God does happen and that really hurts. I know Adam and I both feel too much pressure and then this whole IC crap it's all just too much.
I haven't gone out still because I am so tired all the time I long for a life though. but how can i go out when i hardly have the energy to walk more then 10 min.
I know this will pas but DAMN THIS IS THE HARDEST THING EVER AND I HATE EVERY DAMN MIN OF IT i need a damn break sorry for the screamming i am just soooo over it. I have to have something good happen soon. I am trying to clean this mess of a house and take care of myself and my back just kills me everytime i start it drives me crazy that is why I just wish someone would just come by and take care of me for the day. Some people have mothers for that I could never call mine. THose of you who have understandly family thank GOD NOW For them that is so special. I feel so alone if it weren't for my IC sisters i don't know what I would do.
Thanks for listening everyone
GOD BLESS <3
Hey Hun
Hey sweetie-I am just so so sorry! I wish FL wasn't such a big state and I would drive over to see you right now! It's so difficult to cope on your own. Becky is so right-it takes a special man to be in a relationship with someone that has IC and I think the same goes for friends too. I think it's very hard for others who have never experienced anything like this to understand chronic pain and suffering. We have to go through so much, from the diet to our cleaning products, to our personal care products, to our WATER for crying out loud! And it's not like we can show somebody our "scar." Then like you said, add in the fact that this treatment is costly and we need to have the means to pay for it. So how can you not be just a little "stressed" to put lightly. You are so not alone and please VENT VENT VENT! I wish there was something more I could do to help you. It sounds like you have come so far and worked so hard. Just keep at it hun, the best you can do.....and that's all you can do. Adam seems pretty understanding, like Becky said, maybe he needs some time or space to work out some of his issues for a little while, and that may give you time to focus on some of yours. All my love hun!Jess
Thanks JJ I wish FL wasn't so
Thanks JJ I wish FL wasn't so big either that is too long of a drive. Right now I am waiting to hear if my tenate is going to stay and pay a little more. If I can get her to stay I will feel a lot better so help me pray. IF she stays it will take me 6 months and that is sooo long for me I am on one hand releaved I feel like I have a plan and on the other hand horrified that my parents will be on my back for that much longer. I feel like I am not going to get on with my healing till this stress is over and then I can get to enjoyng my life and making friends. Even when i open and I am surrounded by like people I feel like just working in my feild again is going to bring me some joy and satisfaction. I am not ready to go to a spa though even if they were hiring but they aren't anyway. This weekend the art walk,( I live in a live work art district)was booming people were in and out my door looking at my art but NO SALE!! that was part of the depression for me. I worked so hard to get everything together. It was just another thing that didn't work. Then I got sick and no one was there to help. Adam had his own Feelings of being OVER It. I don't blame him cause i am over it too and that just made me more depressed because there I am alone. So now I have a plan I hate it but it's the only plan I have and I hope it will work because if it doesn't I don't want to find another renter. This economy sucks everyone dry right now I think that is part of why the world is so upside down.
My die off is easing off and I think I can get some stuff done tomorrow. When my house is too cluttered I can't think but cleaning always puts me out so I have to be in a pretty good place to do it. It usually is a day of laundry and then a day of cleaning maybe 2 days. Making the big pot of soup also helps because I am not cooking all the time. I have had a little more energy. So for now its me and my soup and a funny movie. Thanks for all your support and prayers I love you all I couldnt do this with out your support.
nicole
It's nervy of me and maybe
It's nervy of me and maybe seem like meddling...don't intend to at all, but have to say: Nicole: as I read your posts, I'm struck with how beautifully they communicate your situation and the stages of IC healing. Have you ever considered copying them all and sending or giving to your family.., so they can read on their own time. I'm suggesting this because I have had several experiences where a letter or note helps the communication so much better than face to face. ....just an idea...please just let it go if it doesn't speak to you.In the meantime, you have my prayers and energy toward tenant staying and increased rent AND the d--n housework.I have such difficulty with cleaning... I have found lately that if I put ABBA on at a good volume and just go ahead, it gets my energy up....mind you. I don't know what the neighbours are thinking....husband is amused.Stay Positive!!!
OK so your the Dancing queen
OK so your the Dancing queen lol thanks for that if anything ;). I have actually tried to do things like that in the past but they don't want to hear it. I think denial is a big issue. I am trying to distance myself right now to the best I can. I have been ignoring the phone and the emails and just trying to tell myself it's going to work out eventually. My family is stoborn and they dont have time proving to them I need help always makes them say well then your not ready to open a spa. They don't get that the reason I am so messed up is more because of them. I was actually doing pretty good before this all started I mean that was why I thought I could do it. I wish someone would have told me I was crazy. I Know it will huappen.
Abba brings back memories of my old hs friend i had this gay guy friend who loved ABBA and it was a trip. He always made me laugh no matter what so thanks for the memorie lane. I can just see you dancing around. I think we need a comedy movie section on this board or something. I have not laughed in ages. Its really important.
I used to do the flower thing but I stopped because I rather put that money in my savings. If I knew this was going to happen I would have prepaired better for it. in a few weeks my roses will start blooming again though and I will be able to cut them and bring them in :) I do have a nice garden. Adam seems to be comming around a little not spending time with me still but not looking depressed and throwing fits so thats nice. Maybe I can get him to spend some time with me. I need to get out more. I have been trying to lengthen my walks so I can build up my tollerence and stamina but I can tell I am not there yet. I am looking forward to the next art walk the weather should be nice and I can enjoy the people.
I know things will turn around and I am thankful I have you all here it means a lot to me. Thank you for all your support :)