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Post 1 trillion from me:
I crashed. I just feel extremely unhappy today, I know it will pass... but it's hard. Every morning I wake up and the first thing I do is look in the mirror to see if the thousands of disgusting red marks that are ruining my face have gotten worse, multiplied or diminished.
I have TERRIBLE acne on my cheeks, red splotches everywhere, and tiny disgusting warts on my cheeks as well... I actually had these before for about two years but they went away after a massive antibiotic treatment for h-pylori... welcome back disgusting friends that make me feel like the wicked witch from the west!
I am down to 111 pounds... which doesn't seem physically possible. I have been eating SO much.
And, probaby the worst, there hasn't been a meal for over two months where I haven't experienced moderate to severe heartburn and coughing as a result of simply eating.
I feel DISGUSTING. I am actually embarrassed to go to social events because I feel so disgustingly skinny and ashamed about my face. I don't want to see people my age, I have to repeat to myself over and over again that I have the RIGHT to be social and have friends even though I am so physically unappealing right now.
I know I'm being negative, I know I'll get over it and life will go on... but I'm 25 and single and it's hard, and sometimes all i want is to not have to worry about food and my face and rare complex disease states and their varied, disgusting, and depressing ways of manifesting on my face.
It's get to have the opportunity to work on myself emotionally, meditate, learn important lessons like phsyical appearance is not who I am... but I feel like I'd be so much more prepared to learn this lesson at the natural pace of life progression, say when I'm 70?
Lots of love and good feelings that I am trying SO hard to feel
Hannah
Dear Hannah,
Please remember when you read this - you asked for perspective.
Starting at 38, I have had breast cancer three times. I am now 53. This means that I"ve sat around twice, for many months, sick and without hair, and finally, minus one boob. This doesn't even touch on the psychological dramma that I've done to myself over all of it. Then, IC hit. This was then followed by early caught melanoma. All of this preceeded by immense childhood fear of germs. Speed forward to now - the love of my life and my rock in this world, has been diagnosed with HEP C. Every flipping surface in my house, that he has touched,or his mere existence, fills me with panic, dread, and shame. I am desperately trying to make this about him, his own fears and needs. So, with everything that I am, I am working to get over it - This after spending the day alone, brutally, vocally, internally and externally angry at whatever, or whomever, ever thought I needed one more flipping lesson in this life. This new event has nearly made my own world impossible to live within. I am digging so deep to find the acceptance and wisdom that is going to make a life with him possible. So, Hannah, I don't tell you this simply because I feel the need to lash out at you and your condition; that I feel I'd love to trade for my own. Because, in truth, I'd simply let it make me feel as bad and scared and lonely as I currently do. Nor do I offer you the normal it's going to get better - even though, for yourself, I am sure that it will. What I offer is something that I am desperately trying to find for myself. The acceptance that this journey may be more about how we learn to deal with all of the pain and uncertainty that life seems to throw at us, than the event itself. It is my heart felt hope, that all of us manage to still see the sun light that still glimmers through what can seem like overwhelming darkness. Because, maybe at 70, we get to say we did it - and still have a few years left to enjoy it? I don't know, just a thought.
Hannah
Hannah
I am going to elaborate on what Dr. B alluded to in one of her recent posts:
(None of this is meant to diminish your personal experience....)
It really does SUCK to have this to deal with when you are so young. AND it SUCKS to have this to deal with when you are pregnant and then have a newborn; and it SUCKS to have this to deal with when you have many young children at home and you are a stay-at-home mom; and it sucks to have to go through this when you are newly married and are dying to start a family; and it SUCKS to have to go through this when you have already gone through infertility and pregnancy loss; and it SUCKS to have to go through this when you are in grad school; and it SUCKS to have to go through this when you have another chronic illness, like MS. And it SUCKS to have to go through this when you have teenagers and a full-time job; and it SUCKS to have to go through this when you have grappled with cancer already; and it SUCKS to have to deal with this when you are going through a divorse; and it SUCKS to have to do this when you are single and living alone, in or near retirement. (Did I miss anyone???)
I hope you can use your postitive energy, that you have a lot of, and try to direct it towards knowing that this will pass. It will be very different when you are in treatment, and that will help you stay focused on the healing. Try to accept those moments when you feel really down. Just embrace them in that buddhist way that you are learning. The thoughts will have less power if you acknowledge them. And they will evaporate faster.
P.S. Have you tried the Bomasense SALVE on your warts? Dr. B will have specific suggestions for you for your skin (((HUGS)))
Mimi
If we don't excel at health, the only other option is disease.
Dear Mimi,
Dear Mimi,
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Your post has helped me immensely.
Dear Hanah,
I truly hope that I did not offend or dimiminish, as Mimi so eloquently put it, your own experience.
To all of you, my heart
Denise, you are welcome. I
Denise, you are welcome. I don't know where I would be without your support and your insightful posts!! You helped me so much when I was a newbie!!
xo
If we don't excel at health, the only other option is disease.
Hi Mimi,
Hi Mimi,
I haven't tried the Bomasense salve, I can't wait to get to LA at the end of the month to get my hands on all of the different protocol friendly products available... I think it's going to help a lot.
Denise, I hope you are able to find a place of peace in your journey with your husband. I know you will, and I am sorry to hear that you are suffering as much as you are, and that you have suffered as much as you have.
What an opportunity we all have been given to face our fears, insecurities, and difficulties, here's to rising to the occasion, and smiling at the same time.
Love to you both, and thank you for the perspective.
Hannah
Denise:
Denise:
I wanted to say that I know that you really love your fellow. Can he do the HEP C treatment? It is an ass kick but people are getting good results. In my book, you are a hero.
What we all need most is peace.
Bonnie
Dear Hannah, Mimi, and Bonnie
Dear Hannah, Mimi, and Bonnie
Ladies, thank you for your kind words - it has helped immensely. Bonnie, we go see the specialist for the Hep C pretty soon and will discuss those options. I am doing better - again - thanks,