So, as many of you know, and many may not, I am obsessed with sweet things in my mouth.

I have been doing well, haven't been flagellating myself when I crack and eat blueberries (about once a week), and have been eating them less and less as I wean myself off of sweet deliciousness.

So, on diet 1, no cheating except for the blueberries that I eat when I get my period and cannot control myself. Fortunately the blueberries are available because if they weren't I would probably take a bag of powdered sugar and inhale it through every orifice of my body.

I just thought I would write because I thought it was kind of funny that after eating a box and a half of blueberries (because once I open the box I can't stop putting them in my mouth) I felt like such a failure. And then I thought... wait... blueberries? BLUEBERRIES HANNAH? It's not like you just ate the deliciously frosted cupcake that's been appearing in your dreams for the past three weeks (no lie, I dream of cupcakes, although these dreams generally end up in me waking up with terrible acid reflux... o my god am I sleep eating cupcakes?!)

I know that I can't have blueberries, and that straying from the diet all be it in the form of berries or powdered sugar is straying from the diet. Period... but it just goes to show how difficult this process is, not only because of the diet, but mentally... we have to be SO gentle with ourselves... Bonnie, I think you were the one who ate dried apples for a long time to wean yourself off of sugar? I think if you haden't told me that I would feel so much worse right now, so thank you!

Jeez, when you think of all of those people on diets, trying to lose weight (I wish I could GAIN some) they generally don't have to morally punish themselves for blueberries! BLUEBERRIES! So, I would like to take this time to congratulate myself, for having managed to snarf down those blueberries in place of much more toxic substances and hope that in the future I will learn to have a healthier relationship with my cravings and with food in general. It's amazing how much we have to sacrifice and how we hold ourselves to these extremely tight standards and can still be upset with ourselves when we are HUMAN and pop a blueberry in our mouths! I hope I can keep being gentle with myself.

Thanks to everyone who has read these posts and commented, there were so many helpful suggestions last time that allowed me to be more kind with myself and feel less guilty, and I remember someone suggested starting with a fruit from a higher list in order to get myself down to list 1 entirely.... well, ALMOST THERE.

This diet has made me realize that I desperately need to reacquaint myself with all that is edible so that I don't let my cravings or desires get the best of me, and can value my food and my body, and everything that I am putting into it. DIFFICULT stuff!

Kudos to all of you INCREDIBLE people that have already leapt this hurdle, you inspire me :)

Hopefully the blueberry phase will pass (well, actually, hopefully when I see Dr. Brizman on March 26th she will be like, "List 3 immediately! No lists 1 and 2 for you lady! I know... wishful thinking), and I will be able to calm my cravings with the fact that this diet is temporary, and at some point in the future I will be able to eat as many blueberries and bananas and oranges and apples (o my god with almond butter... peanut butter even... every now and then?) as my fabulous little heart desires.

So, this is me trying to make light of the fact that I am feeling VERY impatient right now, but know that my impatience isn't helping me any and that I might as well laugh at it. BUT JEEZ I WISH I WERE 15 POUNDS HEAVIER didn't have TERRIBLE spots, rashes, and pimples all over my face, and could eat all fruit NOW.

I know I keep writing about my sugar problem, but it's SO HARD. It feels almost like I'm possessed sometimes!

Love

Hannah