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I don't write too much any more, as my main struggle that lingers is anxiety and ocd - feel a bit like a square peg in a round hole - like if the physical is fixed I should be able to get over the mental things - tough it out and push through. I'm always left wondering how much more Matia can do for my head trips - how much is physical. Oh, I know they go hand in hand - I struggle as to what degree. Sorry, this is a bit of a babble. I'm into my sixth day of a 15 day road trip. Whenever I get out of my routine my coping skills start to circle the toilet. I can't sleep and this seemed llike the only familiar that I had left - Oh, and
Allen snoring next to me. I miss my kitty Alvin and I'm just damned tired of pretending that alll is well in my head. Thanks for "listening"
Denise
Hi Denise!
Hi Denise!
I totally understand! I sometimes feel like I have PTSD and can't really get on with things. I've also developed a lot of OCD tendencies that keep me from traveling or doing other activities that I think I'm well enough to do but don't dare to due to the heaviness of fear.
I try meditation, relaxation, therapy, excerise, spending time in nature, deep breathing, etc. And it helps. But when my sx act up even a little, it sends me into a downward spiral really really fast. Matia always tells me that it takes time to get over this mentally as well as physically. But I have a hard time believing that it'll ever release its grip on me.
Obviously, I don't have any great advice, all I know is that I try to remember that the fear isn't me and that it's also perfectly understandable. I'm babbling too. Just know that this isn't a crazy thing - or if it is, you're in good company! Hope the rest of your trip goes well! xxxx
I am feeling for and with you
I am feeling for and with you, Denise!! With our treatment routine, I have found myself doing so much better if I practise same prep routines and restrictions daily.. It makes it all more possible and easier. But, I have been noticing that the longtime routine causes me to be very very unsettled when it is broken in any way...travel, visitors, surprises, problems!!! So, I can empathize with OCD affliction. I have a friend with this problem and he has found great strength and clarity in "mindfulness" training. This has become such a catch phrase these days, but he, went to a clinic that treats OCD with a form of this practise. I am learning it at home, through net and reading and very impressed with the help it has given me..(no religion involved). I've stayed with the Insight Meditation practise and the talks/books that leads me to. My biggest challenge now is remembering to practise it daily even though I know it works!!!...but I WILL persevere..Why do the things tht really help not come to the fore until desperate? or maybe that's just me? I also listen to guided meditatons...liking in partiular Joseph Goldstein on youtube and talks on Dharmaseed, but different folks choose other ways....I tend to respond to academic and philosophy etc..there seems to be something for everyone in this practise? In any case, want to add my name to the list of those who want you to know we care, Denise... Better days ahead! Yes!
Dear Lolo and Claire,
Dear Lolo and Claire,
Thank you so much for taking the time to "chat" - I'd kind of forgotten how much it helps to yell HELP! You both have great advice - I do try to REMEMBER to do mindfullness - in the moment I tend to forget. So, here's to sharing the craziness.
Take Care,
Denise
Hello Denise. You have helped
Hello Denise. You have helped me so much along the way and I Sure do wish I had some helpful hints on this. Anxiety just SUCKS! Lol. There I said it. Seriously, I have lived it far longer thanI have wanted. I havewatched it attack those I love friends and family until the vast majority have just caved in to drugs that will bandaid the pain. I too seem to struggle more whenI have a change in regular routine. I attribute it to having to much time to think. Lol. Denise, you have always and still continue to inspire me. Your strength in overcoming mixed with your sense of humor resonate to me. I am a fun-loving joyful person until the anxiety hits and thenI spiral down rapidly. I guess I'mnot doing a very good job encouraging here am i? Lol. I guess I just want you to know how much I care about you and you have fought this battle and won many times. You WILL beat it again!!! I am a Christian and always retreat to memorizing bible verses, talking to my Savior and spiritual music helps me alot. One author that has helped alot in this realm is Sheila Walsh. She has battled anxiety and depression for years. I know we all deal with stuff differently but thought I would suggest it in case you had an interest. Just know I will ALWAYS be here for you. I appreciate you and I will pray that you have a wonderful vacation. You are "the bomb"!!!!!
Dear Patty,
Dear Patty,
Thank you for your kind words. I'm happy that my previous words have helped you. Your words and kindness hellp me now. I have always loved this site - it has brought such comfort over the years.
I am doing better - settling in to the unsettled. However, I won't lie, I'll be happy to get home to my own home and bed in another week.
Take Care - I also appreciate you so much
Denise
Denise- I do terribly on
Denise- I do terribly on vacation. This year I decided to not even try. My IC flares so badly and I just get so discouraged and then the worst emotional feelings come in.. However, I was able to perform in an entire show!! Crazy- I can't go away for the weekend but I can dance and sing for 6 weeks.
Hi Denise,
Hi Denise,
I have a vacation coming up in November that includes flying...for my oldest son's graduation. I don't like being out of my comfort zone (aka my house) for very long, and I keep praying about this upcoming trip. My bladder is great, but tell that to my brain please when we get on the plane. The last plane trip I had to go to the bathroom almost as soon as I sat down, and I had just gone prior to boarding. Then I had to go over and over during the flight. I keep thinking about it and praying this time will be different, and no inflammation. That seems to hit as well when my body is stressed, which happened in July when my youngest son got married and my daughter had her first baby...all in the same week. Took me awhile to recover from all the happiness. :) I send you prayers and a big hug with lots of love.
Mrs A- I know we are alike in
Mrs A- I know we are alike in this. Excitement- good or bad always seems to cause a flare with me.
Deir, that is wonderful that
Deir, that is wonderful that you can dance and sing! You have come so far! I was so excited to read your post to Denise. Lots of love and good wishes to you!
BACK HOME! A short lived
BACK HOME! A short lived hurrah - a stack of mail, bills, a cancelation on the business license that wa paid long before we left, and JURY DUTY! I truly thought that I was going to lose my mind. There was that little child in me that wanted to curl up, "can't take it", won't do it," and the adult that said it would be good for me - put my big girl panties on, chocke down the panic, and stop moving the newly acquired pottery to it's fifth location, looking for the perfect spot, OCD CRAZIES. Then, I thought, WHO in their right mind really WANTS to do jury duty? Was this REALLY the right moment to put my big girl panties on? Come on, couldn't I save all that strength and perseverence for something else? In hind site I'm a little ashamed to admit that it only took a few phone calls to acquire a letter from my MD, and an address on where to mail it, and succeed in what possibly could be looked upon as a failure........HOWEVER, at the moment, I'm kind of basking in being too crazy to do my civic duty. I plan on waking up tomorrow ashamed - after the mailman picks up my mail.
Thanks ladies for all of your support on my road trip - it means alot to me. In the end, it was well worth it - a few rough spots, but so much better than last year.
Deir - So good to hear about your show.
Thanks Mrs. A - so good to hear from you again.
Denise
Denise, My Dear;)
Denise, My Dear;)
I have just found this thread and it makes me smile to "hear" your voice. Ironically, I leave for a trip tomorrow with my family and have spent the entire day packing three kids, myself and of course- my food ! Although I am physically doing very well, it makes me incredibly anxious to be away from our approved foods. It sure is a crazy ride we have all ended up on and as always- I am happy for the company it has created for me, even if I am not as sentimental about the condition itself!
Regarding Jury Duty- I am such a social studies teacher/nerd that I always wanted to be called for Jury Duty and finally did after all these years the week after my baby was born. I then had to decline for all the reasons you can imagine go along with a newborn and jury duty;)
In two - three days, plan to hear from me as I am having my first anxiety attack on the road.
Much Love, Katie
Hey Katie - Love to "hear"
Hey Katie - Love to "hear" your voice - I am pretty sure that you and your family and your food will have a wonderful - here and there challenging - trip. Who knows - maybe when you get back you'll get to do that jury duty - never did wake up guilty about escaping it - sorry - a little low in the main stream civic duty category. HOWEVER - great on handing out dahliahs to the walker bys......serisously have this incredible garden in the medium that runs between the street and the sidewalk. Sorry - a bit off track
Keep in touch if the crazies come and go - have a wonderful time
A big hug - Denise ( give one to your new one from me)
Denise and Friends,
Denise and Friends, Wanted to circle back and report that overall the trip went well. It is always eye opening to me when I travel and stay with relatives and family to see the stark difference in nutrition this treatment has taught me. We do not use a microwave in my house, I read all ingredients on every food, eat non- gmo and organic etc- it is the only way I stay pain free...... As I watch the way others eat I realize how miraculous the human body is that the whole US is not crippled on a daily basis from the amount of junk regularly placed into the body. I did have some flaring from hidden ingredients, but recovering quickly and can't wait to be back home in charge of my meals once again! I must say- when I feel very alone in the way I have chosen to heal, it is a deeply comforting thought to have this space where I can reach out to such an incredible network of like-minded women. Here is to one day at a time... Katie
Hey Katie - happy that you're
Hey Katie - happy that you're doing so well - despite a few bumps - I too am extrememly grateful to have all of you to turn to.
Take Care,
Denise